Wednesday, August 30, 2006

What is a Moron?

According to, a moron is defined as:
a person who is notably stupid or lacking in good judgment

Sure that's the definition, but most people prefer to grasp concepts by example rather than by definition.

So let us find an example of a moron by looking at the people who've been called 'morons' in the past.

Not along ago, a top aide to the Canadian Prime Minister once called George Bush a "MORON" (and Bush supposedly heard it behind his back).

So is Bush a moron?
Well... I guess no matter how good or bad his decisions are, calling him a moron is a little harsh.

So who really justifies being called a moron?

This woman does.

Woman Crashes When Teaching Dog to Drive

BEIJING (AP) - A woman in Hohhot, the capital of north China's Inner Mongolia region, crashed her car while giving her dog a driving lesson, the official Xinhua News Agency said Monday.

No injuries were reported although both vehicles were slightly damaged, it said.

The woman, identified only be her surname, Li, said her dog "was fond of crouching on the steering wheel and often watched her drive," according to Xinhua.

"She thought she would let the dog 'have a try' while she operated the accelerator and brake," the report said. "They did not make it far before crashing into an oncoming car."

Xinhua did not say what kind of dog or vehicles were involved but Li paid for repairs.

Okay okay... let me say that again so that I'm sure I'm not hallucinating this,

Now I'm sure there are many types of morons out there... but what I want to know is.. WHAT KIND OF MORON TRIES TO TEACH HIS/HER DOG TO DRIVE?

But no no no.... I always try to look at the better side of things.

Maybe she's not a 'moron'. Maybe she's really a genius that sees the future.

And the future has dogs driving cars in it so she wants her dog to be the first of all Car-Driving Dogs.

But why stop at getting dogs to drive?

Why don't we get them to join the army and fight our wars for us?
Or get them to run our governments.

And since dogs are drivers and hence potentially automobile consumers, why don't we even make dog cars?
Well we won't!


Because not all of us are morons.

Monday, August 28, 2006

A Citigroup Intern's Birthday Bash

I got forwarded an e-mail from one of my old investment banker friends not long ago.

Attached was an e-mail invitation of an intern at Citigroup London.
She was celebrating her 21st Birthday and decided to invite many of her London friends, including some of her friends from her work place.

Her birthday invitation was so ridiculous that it got forwarded among bankers from London all the way to those here in Southeast Asia.

Check it out.

Note: I've changed her name and some details to protect her identity.

Dear Friends,
Thank you for all your replies and I am glad all of you can come this
Friday to celebrate my 21st with me.
Please read ALL the following to ensure your entry into the Ritz.

Lilly's 21st Birthday Party at The Ritz Hotel London
Friday, 6th of August

9pm - Champagne Reception
10pm - Photo Shoots

10:30pm - Blowing Candles

Mid-night Pangaea, Mayfair

I have arranged the Ritz to host a Champagne Reception with a selection
of Ritz Champagne for all my guests, this will be on me so please come
and indulge.

A specially made birthday cake has also been ordered and the Ritz
waiters will kindly serve you each a generous slice with Ritz cutleries,
etc...also on me.


*When you arrive, take the Hotel entry on the opposite
side of
the Green Park tube station [Please refer to your arrival time at the
end of this email]

*When asked "how can I help you Sir/Madame?", you reply
"I am here for Lilly's Birthday Party at the Rivoli Bar"

* You will be escorted to the lounge area next to the
Rivoli bar, where you will hopefully see a gorgeous group of ladies.

If you experience any issues getting in or getting to the Ritz, please call my mobile on 07782 *** **** and my PA Ms Dill will kindly deal with your queries between 8:30pm to 10pm.

Gentlemen: Jacket, shirt, and please also bring a tie (no jeans,trainers, flip-flops, polo-shirts)
Ladies: skirt/top, cocktail dress (no denim, min-skirts, flip-flips, bad

Advice 1: It goes without saying that the more upper-class you dress,
the less likely you shall be denied entry.
Advice 2: Photos will be taken between 10pm to 10:30pm, and these will
be distributed once processed, therefore you may want to be
well-groomed! ;)

I will be accepting cards and small gifts between 9pm to 11pm... hehehe
I very much look forward to seeing you all at the Ritz this Friday.


ARRIVAL TIMES: [Please stick to these as best as you can, thank you]
9:00pm: Lucy, Sophie Sandner, Kajai, Mandeep, Preet, Sanami, Su, Lisa,

9:15pm: Phoebe, Sophie Seugnet, Theo, Dmitry, Ed, Nikolay, Paul, Nick,
9:30pm: Marco, Andrea, Jess, Ovi, Yuki, Olga, Kim, Marcelo, Ulyana,
Krystal, Dan.
9:45pm: Sunita, Alan, JingJing, Emma.
10:00pm: Anthony, Rachel, Roger, Uli, Yogi, Gharzi

Now that sounds like such a fun Birthday Bash... you know... the kind Hitler might've planned if he was still around today.

Boss Stewie is inspired!

I'm going to send out invitations right now for my next Birthday Bash and inviting all my readers!

Boss Stewie's Birthday Bash 2007

Dear Friends,

You are all invited for Stewie's 23rd Birthday Bash on board the Russian Space Station (The MIR) at 7.30pm on the 6th of June 2007.

Please read ALL the following to ensure your entry into MIR.

7.00PM - Arrival at Kuala Lumpur International Airport.
7.30PM - Arrival at MIR.

8.00PM - Champagne Reception
8.30PM - Photoshoot with Boss Stewie (Ladies first).
9.00PM - Singing of Birthday Song.

9.30PM - Continued Singing of Birthday Song.
10.00PM - Continued Singing of Birthday Song.

10.30PM - Cutting of Cake.
11.00PM - Cake Eating Session.
12.00AM - Party all night with performances from Beyonce, Ciara,
Snoop Dog and Usher.

I have arranged for the party to be held on the MIR where we shall all party with the view of the Planet Earth in the distance.
A specially made Birthday Cheesecake with Godiva Chocolates and cheese specially ordered from the South of France will be available on board the MIR.

An open bar with an unlimited supply of the world's finest wine, champaign and whiskey will be available upon request (I believe that if we are going to get drunk, we should do it with the most expensive alcohol money can buy).

* When you arrive at KLIA, take the airport VIP entrance.
[Please refer to your arrival time at the end of this email]

* When asked "How can I help you Sir/Madame?", you should stand in a group just like they do in Star Trek and say

"Beam Me Up Sir".
* You will be teleported thousands of feet above to the MIR Space Station lounge area, where you will see a group of gorgeous semi-nude ladies. You should then go up and say to them

"Ladies, I am here for Boss Stewie's 23rd Birthday Bash".

In which they will first giggle (if they don't giggle first please let me know and I shall have them fired), then say
"Right this way Sir/Madame".

When you enter the party area, you will be shown to your tables but feel free to mix around my other guests like

George Bush & Tony BlairBill & Melinda Gates

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie
Scarlett Johansson
and of course

Will Smith who will sing a rap version of my Birthday Song
If you experience any issues getting in or getting to the MIR, please call my mobile at 016 4827382 and my PA (Personal Assistant) Ms Penelope will kindly deal with your queries between 8:30pm to 10pm.

Gentlemen: Tuxedo from any Designer Label ie Armani, Zegna, Versace and etc etc. (No guys.. Espirit does NOT count as a designer label)

Ladies: Bikinis or less

Advice 1: It goes without saying that the more money you have and the more flashy car you arrive in, the less likely you will be denied entry.

So please come in Ferraris, Lamborginis, Rolls, Maybachs and all cars valued RM1.2 million and above.
(Porsches, BMWs, Mercedes and below will get you kicked out of the KLIA VIP Entrance the minute you get down from your car).

Advice 2: Photos will be taken between 10pm to 10:30pm, and these will
be published on all major newspapers in the world such as The New York Times and also in famous magazines such as Time, Newsweek and Forbes so make sure you dress well.

I will be accepting cards and expensive gifts valued at no less than RM500,000 each between 9pm to 11pm... BWAHAHAHA
I very much look forward to seeing you all at MIR this coming June.

Boss Stewie

ARRIVAL TIMES: [Please stick to these as best as you can, thank you]

9:00pm: Lance , William Leong, Jason, Alynna, Lasker

9:15pm: Gwenneh, Dawn, Suicidal, J

9:30pm: Earl Ku, Hasan, Chocolat, Leon,

9:45pm: Yothemans, Fat 4, man|acz, Baby Bluey, Yen Shiong

10:00pm: Cely, Cecilia, Skyler, Adrianbaby,

Ahh... If only it were all for real...

Friday, August 25, 2006

Futels: A Business That Makes Good Money

In the past month or so I've been talking to people from all walks of life.

Bankers, entrepreneurs and even property developers and they all tell me one thing:

If you want to make good money... just do a FUTEL.

For those of you who've never heard of the term, FUTEL is short for FU*K HOTEL or basically... a hotel just for people to go and 'have a good time' (ie have a shag).

Now there are many types of Hotels and not all of them are Futels.

Some hotels are meant for BUSINESS...
Some hotels are meant for FAMILY

And some hotels are meant for... well... uhmm... "FUN"...

Futels are profitable because their occupancy rate need not be under 100%. It could be 200-300% if they like because one room can be used by more than one customer each day.

In other words, rather than renting the room by the day... some of them rent their rooms by the HOUR which is more or less enough time for some... uhmm... "FUN".
So my fellow entrepreneur wannabes... why waste time trying to come up with a new product.

Go for a tried and true business model that is sure to make money.

Here's what you need.

First you need a hotel (Costing RM500,000-RM1,000,000).

Now don't be an idiot and break all your balls by build a hotel like THIS.

All you need is a hotel like this (or maybe slightly bigger).
And forget about swimming pools or any other facilities.

Heck don't even think of having a tiny fish pond in your lobby.

The only facility you should even CONSIDER is a condom vending machine like they have overseas.


You do not need (and your clients probably wouldn't care about) a well furnished room like this since it's only going to be used by each customer for only a few hours.

Build a room that is big enough to fit one or two beds since that's where your clients are going to be for most of the 3 hours that they're going to be there.
or if you can take it the extra mile and have NOTHING but a bed in the room.

Not even a blanket.


For your kind of hotel, you DON'T need staff like that that probably cost RM2,000 each.

What the heck for.

All you need is Aunty Jenny here to help you clean up your rooms at 'scene of the crime' and she might even be nice and do it for only RM800 a month.
So there you have it everyone.

All you need are these 3 things and you'll be a millionaire in no time.

Of course, the question many of you would ask me is
"If everybody already starts up FUTELS because they know for sure they make money... then how can we make money?"

Well lets do a rough estimation.

According to the 2005 Durex Global Sex Survey, Malaysians have sex 83 times a year.

Given that there are 25 million Malaysians out there, that equates to a whopping 1 BILLION times that sex occurs in Malaysia every year (Assuming that each Malaysian has sex with another Malaysian).
Now if you manage to get 0.001% of them to do it in your FUTEL, that's about 10,000 times and if you charge only RM50 per room per time (note that your rooms don't go by per day but by the hour), that's RM500,000 revenue.

And what is your cost?

Aunty Jenny that costs RM800 a month so that's RM9,600 a year.
A Receptionist that costs RM1000 a month so that's RM12,000 a year.
Electricity and other costs of lets say RM20,000 a month so that's RM240,000 a year.

So your profit is RM260,000 and your cost of building the futels was.. what? RM500,000?

You'll make back your investment in no time!

Of course the next question is... do people need to have sex?


Wednesday, August 23, 2006

It's Official... My Balls are Broken

I've been getting some e-mails from readers lately. Many which I haven't really had the chance to respond to yet.

But one e-mail caught my attention.

It was from another Penang programmer and wanna-be entrepreneur like myself.

He was telling me of a little experience of his

"I did a couple of programming but it always failed at the marketing part. You know stock market?

Around 2 years ago, there is this craze where investors want a program that gets the latest price (real time) and then do a chart and then advice them based on the formulas (eg. MACD) and then advice them to buy or sell.

Well, I did the entire program and tried to market it. Too bad it didn’t work. Some people are willing to try but then they all went quiet."

I guess failure is something we will all have to face one day.

Perhaps the good thing is that his next success is probably on the way. His new creation (and work in progress) is a little blogger shoutbox called

Check it out and tell him what you think.

On a seperate note, today I had to pay a visit to a computer shop in this little building somewhere in Penang.

Inside the building was a little door leading me to a little shop called CG Computers.

I went in carrying both my balls but came out without one.

Yes... not long ago I thought buying Windows XP was painful.

Little did I know that I was to buy more software that put even more pressure on my poor little balls.

Hello Dreamweaver and Adobe Photoshop!

Each copy of Dreamweaver costs something like RM1700++ and Photoshop somewhere in the region of RM2600++ each.

My balls are officially broken.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Hard Gay

Ok, I have a confession to make.

These few days I've been extremely piled up with work so much that I can't seem to find the time to blog.

But in the mean time, let me introduce you to someone that has been helping me release stress each day.

His name is HARD GAY.

Check out his video.

Some think he's hilarious.

But some people like Brenda think he's lame..

I definitely think he's entertaining :P


Sunday, August 20, 2006

Reader Mail

Every now and then I get e-mails from readers. Sometimes it's readers sharing some interesting things with me and sometimes it's readers asking questions about what is it exactly that I do.

Just a few days ago I got an e-mail from one of my readers asking me some questions that many readers in the past have asked me. So I think the least I can do is to try my best to answer them as well as I can

(Do keep in mind thought that Boss Stewie is after all an entrepreneur that is yet to prove himself so don't take my words as seriously as you would take Michael Dell's words)

Here is the e-mail (I took out his real name as requested)
Dear Boss Stewie,

This is MaN|acZ. Just call me
MaN|acZ or LeeCH.

Anyway, I have some questions to ask you.

1) I'm curious like how do you get yourself paid for
your startup? (I assumed since you have no working
experience, where did you get your money?)

2) How long you expect that you'll be able to gain
back what you've invested?

3) How does a typical life of your work day like? I
actually do have plans to start up my own company. But
I just afraid that I'll run out of money before I can
make it.Please advise.

Thank you.

And my reply

Dear Maniacz,

I assume that the 'business' you're planning to start is a dotcom like mine.

Let me try to answer your first question.

The only time I earned money of my own was during my past two summer holidays where I did internships at two different investment banks.

So you can imagine that the money I earned and saved was hardly enough for me to embark on this business.

Therefore, after working out the business plan and deciding on the minimum capital that we needed, we started exploring options of how to save cost or come up with the money.

For example, I met up with a representative from the Multimedia Development Corporation based at Cyberjaya to explore the facilities they provide up-and-coming internet entrepreneurs.

Upon hearing my businesss plan, the representative discussed the kind of help they could possibly provide my little dotcom.

Among the possibilities we discussed was assistance in finding graduating MMU students to work for my little dotcom and on top of that, an offer to subsidize 50% of my labour cost.

We could also use their workstations that come prepared with original licensed software web developers would need that could potentially cost you thousands and thousands of ringgit if you decide to do it on your own.

And of course on top of all this, there is the incentive we all want: a cash grant.

I recently heard of an internet company that not too far back received a RM1.6mn grant from the MSC.

Apart from exploring the possibilities of working together with the MDC, we managed to find some venture capitalists that were keen on investing in our little dotcom.

Now there are two ways of financing your business if personal finance is not enough. You could borrow money from a bank, or find venture capitalists.

The first option is less advisable for internet businesses since most internet businesses (though this depends on your business model) typically won't generate much revenue in the first couple of years so servicing the loan interest every month will probably kill you.)

Besides, banks aren't likely to lend money to internet businesses especially since they don't have much collateral to offer.

The second and more feasible option for internet businesses is to find venture capitalists to take up an equity stake in your business.

Before starting this business, I had 'accidentally' come across a venture capitalist that was interested in negotiating a financial package.

I had also received a call from an old friend in the Middle-East some time back and he too was asking if he could take up a stake in the business.

If you work with venture capitalists, you could probably negotiate a monthly salary for yourself. I've seen real life examples of this happen so they're very possible.

I believe that all these options in finding the right financial package makes the statement of "No Money To Do Business" just an excuse from people who like to talk about doing business but aren't determined enough to actually walk the talk.

Billionaires like Sergey Brin, Richard Branson and Steve Jobs started with no money as well. The difference is that they were determined enough to find money to do business.

As for my partner Ming and I, we are both lucky to have some financial backing from our families (possible partly because the start-up capital for our business is relatively small).

So after exploring these options and keeping our capital to the minimum, we decided that we could at least for now say no for banks and venture capitalists.

Since the first answer has already been long enough, I will answer your second and third question as briefly as I can.

As to how long before I gain back what I've invested, the answer is: Probably in no less than 2 years and possibly even NEVER.

As to how the typical day for an entrepreneur is like, there isn't really a 'typical day' at this stage.

Every day seems to have different challenges and every day my partner and I are given new problems to solve.

Keep in mind that many dotcoms don't make much money at all for the first few years of operation.

So if you're worried about running out of money half way, have a backup plan.

Keep in mind that all the 3 billionaires I mentioned earlier (Richard Branson, Steve Jobs and Sergey Brin) have all at one point of their lives almost lost every penny to their name in order to keep their company going.

I hope I will never have to go through that... but I know I'm just being wishful.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Don't "waste" the Malaysian

I'm down in Singapore again for business and if I have the time, to find a particular Singaporean reader of mine who conveniently decided to work for a Singaporean dotcom start-up when she could've been working for MY little startup
(you know who you are... and I'm coming for you... u naughty naughty girl!).

Anyway, after a long day of meetings and work that started right after I walked through Immigration,

my business partner decided to treat me to a nice dinner at Tanglin Club Singapore.

The food was okay... but all of you should know by now that I'm not the kind of blogger to write much about food so here!

Just one picture of the steak I had (which is getting quite comfortable in my belly right now).

After dinner, Ming convinced me to go meet some friends at Brewerkz in Clarke Quay.
Brewerkz is a pub in Clarke Quay that prides itself in making its own beer.

Somehow that night, my Singaporean friends decided to play a little game called
"Let's waste the Malaysian".

So rather than ordering a few jugs of beer like EVERYONE ELSE, they decided to order a "TOWER OF BEER".

Of course, I initially protested

"WAIT!!! WAIT!!! There are only 5 of us, and only 3 of us are drinking!!! And I'm staying for only an HOUR!!!"

Peter (one of the guys there) said
"No larr... can wan lar.. don't worry... a tower is not that much".

Not believing a word he said, I asked

"How much is a tower? 1 litre?"

Peter looked at me and said sarcastically
"Yes yes... about a litre... actually something like 3 and a half litres".

Still, I comforted myself with the thought that he was just joking.

But that little comfort didn't last long.

The "Tower of Beer" didn't take long to find its way on our table.

When I saw it... my balls dropped.

For the next one hour, Peter kept filling up my mug.And I kept returning the favour. So as you can imagine, the beer went down pretty quickly.
And by the end of the hour, it was finished.

Though Peter wanted to make sure that there wasn't a drop of beer left in the tower.

So what normal people do after they finish the tower of beer is... they go home.. or they order coke or something.

But NOoooo... Peter had to order another jug of beer.

I went home shortly after they forced me to down a final mug of beer.

I would be lying if I said that the alcohol didn't have any effect on me.

This was the last picture they took of me... while I was still sober.

The next time you have a Singaporean friend down in Malaysia... please take him out.... and get him wasted.. please.. do it for Stewie.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Forgive Prince Harry

In Great Britain, you know you're a "big sausage" when people call you "Sir".

But life is such... you may be a "big sausage", but there is always a "bigger sausage"

And you know you're a "gigantic sausage" when people call you
"His Royal Highness Prince Henry of Wales".

Yep. That's Prince Harry.

Just like his brother Prince William, Harry is a well groomed man.

From young, privileged people like himself are sent not to normal schools, but to special schools where they teach you how to be a gentleman and carry yourself well in public.

And they have been taught well.

I remember how both Prince Harry and William held back their tears so well at their mother's funeral.

Something I probably wouldn't be able to do if put in the same position.

I would imagine people of his class would grow up learning to play polo, travel in private jets and eat diamonds for breakfast every day.

Things that normal poor people like Stewie would never have the chance to experience.That, along with the "Prince" title that they carry makes most women love them and want to do ANYTHING with them.

Of course... love should always be two ways.

So women love Harry...

and Harry loves women too...


Yes, the media in the UK is probably taking Prince Harry apart for this one picture of him cupping a woman's gigantic breast.

But lets put things in perspective.

When presented with a set of knockers the size of Australia, what do you do?

Do you say

or do you say

or even
So... Prince Harry... please don't feel bad... at least we know you're human after all.