Monday, January 07, 2008

How To Make Japanese Buffets Worth It

I love Japanese buffets!

I do... I really really really really really do.

And I'm sure so does everyone else.

My favourite place for Japanese Buffet has to be Kampachi.

I mean... there are tons of Japanese Buffets around... most with the largest variety ever but few with as much quality as Kampachi.

The only problem with Japanese buffets of course is.... they're expensive... so when you go. You gotta get your moneys worth.

So here's what you have to do to make your money's worth.

Step 1: Don't starve yourself but eat just a little.

The morning of the buffet, wake up early and have a light breakfast. Don't NOT eat anymore like most people would say... because doing that builds up gas in your stomach which lowers your capacity to eat more at the buffet.

So eat like a small bowl of cereals or something and drink some Yakult.Now Step 2 onwards is the tricky part.

At Japanese buffets, the only thing that you're fighting against is not stomach capacity (if you're prepared) but TIME.

They're always like 12pm - 2.30pm or something. So you have to make sure within these 2 and a half hours, you gotta eat enough food to feed Sudan for a year to make your money really worth.

Step 2: Pee before you eat!

When you get to the restaurant, make sure you use the toilet first.

When you eat, you're gonna be consuming liquid, when you consume liquid, you're going to want to pee, when you want to pee you're going to want to go to the toilet and when you go to the toilet.... YOU WASTE TIME!!!
So go to the little boys' room and do your business first.

Step 3: Sit at the right place

Once you get into the restaurant, ALWAYS request for the table closest to the Buffet tables. The further away it is, the more time you have to spend back and forth getting food and the more time you WASTE!!!

Step 4: Eat the right things

Now when you go to a buffet, what should you eat?
They always have things like rice or noodles to help you fill up your stomach... is that what you should take?NO!!!

IF YOU WANNA EAT RICE, GO EAT HAWKER FOOD!!!

At Japanese buffet, the first thing you go for is SASHIMI!!!LOTS AND LOTS OF SASHIMI!!!

Then once you're bored of the Sashimi, I'll excuse you if you go for the beef.

But make sure it's not just beef in those buffet trays with a candle underneath.

Make sure they're FRESHLY COOKED BEEF AT THEIR TEPPANYAKI AREA.And make sure it's not Sirloin or some lousy crappy beef.

It has to be U.S.A. IMPORTED BEEF... and TENDERLOIN OR FILLET... anything below that is a waste of stomach space and time.

Step 5: Oysters are expensive too

Remember the Mr Bean episode where he whacked all the oysters at a buffet he went for and he got a stomach ache for that?


Well that episode was probably sponsored by buffet restaurants that want to discourage people from finishing off their oysters faster than they can refill them.

In real life... that don't happen much SO WHACK IT ALL!!!

TAKE NO SURVIVORS!!!


Step 6: SHUT UP!

Your mouth can only do one of two things.

Eat... or talk...

So when you're at a buffet.. don't waste time talking.. your friends are just there with you to decorate the table... EAT!!!! IF YOU WANNA TALK GO TO A MAMAK !!!

Step 7: IGNORE THE CLOWN

As part of their conspiracy to slow you down and distract you from your buffet crusade... some restaurants bring in clowns to make little balloon poodles to distract you.
What do you do?

YOU IGNORE THE DAMN CLOWN and focus on your food!!!

The only time you should be talking to a clown is when you're asking the clown to help you get more Sashimi understood?!?!

Step 8: Eat the right dessert

Sooner or later it'll be time for dessert.

So what do you have for dessert?

Do you have the tempting ice-cream they have there?
NO!!!

IF YOU WANNA EAT ICE CREAM... GO BUY A TUB OF WALLS FOR 10 BUCKS AT TESCO!!!

At the buffet, you eat....

DO RAE YAKI!!!
Also known as DORAEMON BISCUITS!!!!

WHY??

Because they're made fresh on the fly.

And because we all love Doraemon.... don't we?
PS: Dear Kampachi, if you're reading this... please don't ban me for life..... please please please... I'll promise not to sweep clean the Sashimi table next time.


31 comments:

Twinkle said...

boss: Yummmmmmmmmm...... **drools**

Jun King said...

wow tim, u must've taken quite a lot of ur buffet eating time that day to give us all those tips. i'm sure it must've deprived u and ur buffet.

i'm sure ur readers will appreciate ur public service.

Rose said...

Step 8: The one thing you should NEVER do at a Japanese buffet - Take photos! waste time posing and smiling! kekeke

Eve said...

Shouldn't people exercise abit before eating? So they will feel really hungry and make their money worth it! hahha

JacJac said...

i dont think only kimpachi will ban you from entering their restaurant on buffet time...

prolly all restaurants will be very wary of you now...

*teeheehee*

Boss Stewie said...

twinkle: yum right? damn nice!!!

jun: yah!!! mebe i should ask for compensation rite? bnwahahahaha

rose: hahaha yes yes.. but i had to do that for u guys :P

eve: hahaha true.. ok.. that should be the next step

jac: hahaha i hope now :P

"Joe" who is constantly craving said...

i think they will tell u that they r fully book everytime ur name is mentioned or spotted in the entrance..

niss.. said...

timmy is going to get banned from buffet..ALL Japanese buffet... i think clients who wants to advertise wid u will also think twice..lol

pinkpau said...

stewie you forgot the most important rule. Don't Drink Water!!! your programmer teach wan.

joshuaongys said...

hungry liao.... Zzzz

Jimmy said...

nice tips! =)
btw, where is this kampachi??

vingie said...

*drooooooooooooooooooooooolssssssss*

pamsong said...

Haha. This is totally hilarious. HAHA. Thumbs up!

[fong88] said...

hahaha..guess u going wider for this chinese new year..LOL!!
btw, where is kampachi??

v1n said...

should've posted earlier mah...
then i wouldnt had wasted rm101 at Jogoya.

they serve Häagen-Daz ice cream there. ~_~

Abcchin said...

aweee.. yummy..!!! care for jogoya? LMAO!

Cheng Chun said...

I don't like Japanese food d. I had an overload of it like 3 buffets in 3 weeks and I threw up at the last one. Gelak already. Hahahaha.

Cutie said...

Oh I don't like Kampachi. People there are like regular patron. They are like people who has been starving for months. The moment the lady mention to them that the buffet is ready to be served, these people rush to the tempuras and sashimis like madness and grab everything they can.

Michelle said...

true that u said.
really go surf on the sashimi..
make it all worth it..
if too much sushi.. make u so full n kembang that u can squeeze anything else inside...

good points taken, tim!

jlshyang said...

boss, this is really really funny but it does make a lot of sense. lol. One should also empty their stomachs by poo-poo-ing first before going there.

Simon Seow said...

You forgot Step 0: Make reservation first; because it's damn hard to get table for Kampachi's buffet if you do walk in.

Gila Babi said...

Boss !!

Organise Nuffnanger gathering at Kampachi !! :)

amb3r1te said...

u forgot to mention where kampachi is!
i think they're gonna get loads of business after this post!

Simon Seow said...

If not mistaken. This will be the Kampachi in Equotorial Hotel, Kuala Lumpur. http://www.equatorial.com/kul/index.php?navi_id=6&sub_navi_id=18&lang=1 Although, there's another one in Pavilion but not sure whether they have weekend buffet in the Pavilion branch.

Genova said...

i like this post. lol. boss, ur really a buffet sweeping specialist.

belle said...

AGREE agreee agreee must eat a lil b4 going for buffet!
boss...i think u should go jogoya.. they dont serve nabet dorayaki...they have yr favvy haagendaz ( how to spell lol ) 10 scoops of it already worth yr money!!
AND HOR..if u got vip card..u can have infinity king crab! chio anot?!!! go jogoya! bring sam go xDD

SaeWei said...

Alamak..damn funny lar you..Adooi..

XiangMei said...

2 and a half hour to eat?not enough leh...

U better visit a restoran located at Autocity or Penang called Tao...

At there U have longer time to eat,and also more variety of food ,what food also have including your favourite japanese food!!!

Skyler said...

Congratulations on thinking up such an awesome manual.

You are getting fat

J said...

GREAT.
You must have been one of THOSE people the last time I went to Kampachi for buffet!
(So kiasu! :P)
Haha....

eyeris said...

WTF is up with japanese buffet restaurants and CLOWNS? Jogoya had one too and he was bloody annoying.