I love Japanese buffets!
I do... I really really really really really do.
And I'm sure so does everyone else.
My favourite place for Japanese Buffet has to be Kampachi.
I mean... there are tons of Japanese Buffets around... most with the largest variety ever but few with as much quality as Kampachi.
The only problem with Japanese buffets of course is.... they're expensive... so when you go. You gotta get your moneys worth.
So here's what you have to do to make your money's worth.
Step 1: Don't starve yourself but eat just a little.
The morning of the buffet, wake up early and have a light breakfast. Don't NOT eat anymore like most people would say... because doing that builds up gas in your stomach which lowers your capacity to eat more at the buffet.
So eat like a small bowl of cereals or something and drink some Yakult.Now Step 2 onwards is the tricky part.
At Japanese buffets, the only thing that you're fighting against is not stomach capacity (if you're prepared) but TIME.
They're always like 12pm - 2.30pm or something. So you have to make sure within these 2 and a half hours, you gotta eat enough food to feed Sudan for a year to make your money really worth.
Step 2: Pee before you eat!
When you get to the restaurant, make sure you use the toilet first.
When you eat, you're gonna be consuming liquid, when you consume liquid, you're going to want to pee, when you want to pee you're going to want to go to the toilet and when you go to the toilet.... YOU WASTE TIME!!!
So go to the little boys' room and do your business first.
Step 3: Sit at the right place
Once you get into the restaurant, ALWAYS request for the table closest to the Buffet tables. The further away it is, the more time you have to spend back and forth getting food and the more time you WASTE!!!
Step 4: Eat the right things
Now when you go to a buffet, what should you eat?
They always have things like rice or noodles to help you fill up your stomach... is that what you should take?NO!!!
IF YOU WANNA EAT RICE, GO EAT HAWKER FOOD!!!
At Japanese buffet, the first thing you go for is SASHIMI!!!LOTS AND LOTS OF SASHIMI!!!
Then once you're bored of the Sashimi, I'll excuse you if you go for the beef.
But make sure it's not just beef in those buffet trays with a candle underneath.
Make sure they're FRESHLY COOKED BEEF AT THEIR TEPPANYAKI AREA.And make sure it's not Sirloin or some lousy crappy beef.
It has to be U.S.A. IMPORTED BEEF... and TENDERLOIN OR FILLET... anything below that is a waste of stomach space and time.
Step 5: Oysters are expensive too
Remember the Mr Bean episode where he whacked all the oysters at a buffet he went for and he got a stomach ache for that?
Well that episode was probably sponsored by buffet restaurants that want to discourage people from finishing off their oysters faster than they can refill them.
In real life... that don't happen much SO WHACK IT ALL!!!
TAKE NO SURVIVORS!!!
Step 6: SHUT UP!
Your mouth can only do one of two things.
Eat... or talk...
So when you're at a buffet.. don't waste time talking.. your friends are just there with you to decorate the table... EAT!!!! IF YOU WANNA TALK GO TO A MAMAK !!!
Step 7: IGNORE THE CLOWN
As part of their conspiracy to slow you down and distract you from your buffet crusade... some restaurants bring in clowns to make little balloon poodles to distract you.
What do you do?
YOU IGNORE THE DAMN CLOWN and focus on your food!!!
The only time you should be talking to a clown is when you're asking the clown to help you get more Sashimi understood?!?!
Step 8: Eat the right dessert
Sooner or later it'll be time for dessert.
So what do you have for dessert?
Do you have the tempting ice-cream they have there?
IF YOU WANNA EAT ICE CREAM... GO BUY A TUB OF WALLS FOR 10 BUCKS AT TESCO!!!
At the buffet, you eat....
DO RAE YAKI!!!
Also known as DORAEMON BISCUITS!!!!
Because they're made fresh on the fly.
And because we all love Doraemon.... don't we?
PS: Dear Kampachi, if you're reading this... please don't ban me for life..... please please please... I'll promise not to sweep clean the Sashimi table next time.