Tuesday, January 29, 2008

A Sad Valentine's Day Story

Okay Valentine's Day is coming up in about two weeks!

That's it!!!

The one day in the year which mankind decided to have just to make single men and women out there miserable!!!

It's like the married people or people in relationships go up to single people on that day and piss around them and say
"HAH!!! YOU ARE ALONE TODAY!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"So anyway... to celebrate such a miserable day.. let me tell you all a sad Valentine's day story from one of my friends that I heard of a long time ago.

Now let me name this guy John.

For Valentine's Day some time back, John was still single. But John is one of those men you kinda wonder why he's single. I mean.. he's not undesirable or anything... well he isn't good looking but he's pretty rich, drives a nice car
and pretty smart. He went to a good university.

Just about 3 weeks before Valentine's Day that year... John met Elaine. Now Elaine isn't exactly one of the hottest chicks you will ever see... she's not bad looking but the plus point was... she was very very cute.. She had big big eyes the size of dinner plates.
One day... knowing that Elaine might also feel a little sense of.... lonelyness during Valentine's Day (having broken up with her previous bf about 6 months before), John decided to ask Elaine out for Valentine's Day and to his delight she agreed.

The only condition was that she didn't want to be too pressured. She didn't want to be taken to one of those romantic candle-lit restaurants.

It was going to be their first date and she wanted something more casual.. like go to a cafe in a mall.

John was delighted and he really didn't care if she wanted him to take her to Murni's for Valentine's Day... the fact was that he was going out with her.

On the day itself, John went to pick Elaine up from her home. On his way there he suddenly felt the small urge to run to the nearest toilet to take a dump but he didn't want to be late... so he decided to hold it until at least after the date.

John had planned Elaine a few wonderful surprises.

He wrote her a nice card... not with fancy poems or anything, just a simple card with the words
"Thank you for spending the loneliest day of the year with me".And bought her flowers because he believes that every girl should receive flowers for Valentine's Day!

At dinner they picked a nice cafe in a mall, and sat down.

Just as he was sitting down, John kinda felt the urge to go to the toilet again to take a dump... but it was a horrible time to do so... not on his first date with this really really cute girl right?

So he sucked the crap in (literally) and tried to distract himself from thinking such thoughts.

Elaine enjoyed John's company that night.. I mean... John actually has a pretty good sense of humour and she really enjoyed the little surprises he had for her. I mean they weren't particularly over-romantic but just ... nice.. and flattering to a girl.

Anyway... just about halfway through their dinner, John felt the urge again this time he felt his crap really close to the exit of his rear so he excused himself from the table, gracefully walked out of the cafe and as soon as the cafe was behind him he RAN LIKE FOREST GUMP TO THE NEAREST TOILET.
He reached the toilet in time only to find all but one of the cubicles there being used and the last one so polluted with someone else's unflushed turd he couldn't bear to do his business there.

So he clenched his fists and stood waiting for one more cubicle to open up.

After a few minutes, one of the cubicles opened up and John rushed into it.

He took off his jeans faster than a hooker could've done it and sat on the toilet. Less than a second later, he sprayed so much liquid crap out of his rear end the toilet any living germ inside the toilet must've thought it was in Niagara Falls.
John had a smile on his face... I mean there is nothing else more satisfactory than that sense of relief!

Soon enough, his work there was complete.

Business was done and now it was time to wipe his ass.

He looked around and to his HORROR he couldn't find a roll of toilet paper in the cubicle.

He looked for the second best option, a HOSE, but there was only a tap and the tap was placed oddly enough that it wasn't possible for him to wash his ass with it without a hose... not unless he was able to unhook his ass from his rear and handwash it himself.
He began to panic for a bit... and he considered his options.

He had his phone with him... but who could he call? He couldn't possibly call any of his friends.. they won't make it there in time...

Even worse... he could NEVER call his date... I mean how romantic will that be
"Hi Dear.. I'm taking a shit in the nearby toilet and I don't have anything to wipe my soiled ass with... could you please go to Watsons and grab me some tissue?"
It was his first date and he wasn't going to screw it up!!!!

So he kept thinking to himself.. think think think...

What could he wipe his ass with?

He reached into his pockets hoping for something but the only thing in it apart from his phone was his wallet.

He took out his wallet and that's when he saw a way out.

He had just gone to the ATM before his date and he had plenty of paper in his wallet... by paper I mean money.. and by money I mean fresh RM50 notes. He didn't have any RM1s or RM10s with him.

He counted his money to find out how many wipes he had.He had RM300 in his wallet, that's 6 notes of RM50.

6 Wipes is enough to clean off his ass and lucky for him... he won't have any money left to pay for dinner but he could use his credit card.

But the thought of wiping his ass with money disgusted him. It's DISRESPECTFUL to do such things to money.

He decided that he was just going to wipe his ass twice... till it clean enough to rush out to the nearest Watsons and buy some tissue.

After his two wipes, it still wasn't enough so he wiped another two times "spending" RM200 in total.

Then he put his pants back on and rushed out to Watsons to buy the biggest pack of tissues he could find and headed back to his cubicle to finish his cleaning job.
3 minutes and RM200++ later... he left the toilet relieved and walked back to his table where his food was cold and his date was waiting alone.

She looked at him walking back with a smile on his face and she asked
"Where did you go? Why so long?"

He said
"Sorry got a phone call..."

They finished dinner and John took Elaine home that night.

On his way home, John called me on my mobile
"YOU HAVE NO F*CKING IDEA WHAT I JUST WENT THROUGH!!!!".
----------------------------------------

Two weeks from now, John will be celebrating his Valentine's Day with his girlfriend: Elaine.

Elaine still doesn't know what John had to go through that night just to keep a good impression of himself.

John now carries a packet of tissue paper with him wherever he goes.

57 comments:

Gila Babi said...

ok ok .. Boss i understand how sarcastic and funny u are trying to be .. haha !

BUT !

Tell me boss .. Is John = Boss Stewie ??

Serena said...

haha, nice story...

hmm.... valentine's day will be a super miserable day for ppl who are single :( *sob sob*

well, hope mr.tim can find a gf before v day ya~~!

=)

Boss Stewie said...

no lah!! it's not me!!!

pls dun thikn it's me

clement said...

nice story.. i've heard that they used socks for a change.. he he

Kimberlycun said...

im sure elaine will appreciate the story...there's no better story about "how awesome my bf is" than that!

sharon said...

He could've used his undergarment. <:) Just a thought thou. Unless his undergarment is worth more than RM200.

Boss Stewie said...

serena: haha that's not gonna happenn

clement: now why didn't he think about that


kimberly: hahahaha! lol!!!


sharon: well i guess he could've... hmmm

Skyler said...

If I were the date I would've bitch slapped him and told him to give me the RM 200 and I'll go get him toilet paper

JuLJuL said...

lol. it's freaking RM200 man! i would understand if i were elaine. haha!

Harry Lee said...

Same like Gila Babi, i think the person is you lah..hahaahah! Otherwise who would remember every detail. Frankly you described as if you know how it feels at every turn, can't help thinking it was you.

Frankly also a surprise that after the phone call, you did not explain your reaction? Your laughter? How you laugh? How funny was it? I think it was you lah, and the person you call is who? LOL

Boss Stewie said...

skyler: hahahha well she doesn't know yet :P

jul: hahaha! great.. maybe one day we can let her now

harry: hahaha no lah it wans't me!!!

amb3r1te said...

omg, damn sweet la!
(and rich!)

Super Gentleman said...

zzzzz... haiyoh... i think i mz put my fon number up in newspaper ads liao... "to all d rich bastards out dere... call super gentleman when u run out of tissue papers when u nid 2 shit n he will b dere in a blink!! d pay is rm200 bt d tissue is FREE!!! Call dis number nw n let him save ur date/ass!!!" LoL... shud b gud business ehh... hahahhaz...

Michelle said...

valentine day this year is like.. some praying say rite for cny or sumthing???

Genova said...

haha...u know u can spend rm200 many ways during valentines
but wiping da ass has gotta be one of the sickest moment i ever heard...
hahahahaha

FengY said...

Super hilarious la wei :D

Jing Yen said...

it's 2.15am and i CANT. STOP. LAUGHING. HAHAHAHAHA!!!

super hilarious entry!! ;)

k0k s3n w4i said...

Unlike most of the esteemed commenters above me, I didn't find this hilarious in the least bit.

I find it damn sweet actually.

You can wash money right? It'll be a bit soggy, but there's the hand dryer for that. And soap to cover the smell. Perfectly serviceable still, bar a faint smudge that smells of cheap lemon handwash.

~em~ said...

wow.... went through a lot to keep it from her...

kimfei said...

tats cool...he really did hard to protect his image...gosh..watever is he real or what..he is the man..

KY said...

lets email this post to elaine, what's her address?

[fong88] said...

john = u???? *doubting*LOL!!

Lyrical Lemongrass said...

Which is why I still keep receipts with me from 2 years ago...

Michelle Chin said...

............................................................................................................................................


I swear that this can make my stomach convulse until I can get a bad stomach ache!!!

mIcheLLe said...

Hahahaha grosssss stuff eh but it made me laugh on a cold cold Wednesday morning.

Poor John...

ian said...

oh man, haha

gotta be the most expensive toilet paper he'll ever use haha

Simon Seow said...

Sure boh? RM 200 worth of toilet paper. This really not a made up story?

I always carry a pack of tissue with me, you never know when you're going to need one.

Jannah said...

Sweet.

Won't the girlfriend knows the story reading your blog? Weh ini macam kes first date dulu. Abang? John ni kamu ke?

LOLROTF :)

Donny's Bits said...

omg... even I have sore eyes right now.. Reading this was damn funny... Love the post so much la... I pity john but I respect him la macha!...

Ricci's Chica said...

sounds like Boss Stewie....hmm

ladybird said...

This is so funny....Couldn't believe it....

Shaolin said...

Dude that's not sad it's funny, unless you think ending up with a gf is sad :P

无情无义的虫皇 said...

fuiyohhh~
tat sounds lyt u lolz XD
bwahaha, and ahh... tat's dammmm fahnieee lah, mane ade sad?!

yapthomas said...

halfway reading this post, i went and shit.. :P

BaLQiz said...

OMG that really put the word FUNNY in a new light! Gud one!

Zephyr said...

Ur fren, I salute....

Anyway, if I didn't read ur blog, I wouldn't know that Valentine's Day is around the corner.

Coz still single since birth XD.

Everytime I said that I was single, ppl will give da curious/wondering look.

Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day with ur gf....ops! XD

twosuperheroes said...

Seriously, I don't mind washing my butt, scraping off all the fresh shit stains with my bare hands. The tap got water what..can wash my hands after that..haha. :p

David Cheong said...

He should have saved the 200 bucks, give it to me and I'll offer him my tissue.. Hahahaha

Yii Toong said...

John is the champion la!!!
I salute him!

So Boss, any blind Valentine's Day date? There must be LONG QUEUE for you!

Boss Stewie said...

HAHAH.. omg omg!!! so many comments.. i don't know how to reply all!!!!


and my vday.. will be a lonely one snifff

yapthomas said...

like e-mail go "Reply-All"

You ma write a "Reply-All" message in a summary form lor to everyone. :P

Abby said...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! LET US BOYCOTT V DAY TOGETHER TIMOTHY :D

MaN|acZ said...

aiyo... boss.. why you tell everyone about this story?!!

damn pai seh leh....

windwalker said...

Nice story...

SilverIsle said...

What an expensive poo poo experience. =_=

Jason TAN said...

so sweet

jessieloi said...

Gosh this is like really sweet but at the same time... I mean its freaking rm200!

Well, at least he the relationship worked out, so i guess what's rm200 right? Hahaha.

Eh who said V-Day have to be a lonely experince if you're single, I've been single all this years for V-Day. haha, but this year I'm working.

Come with your friends to pizza uno to eat. XD

mirror said...

ahhaah...kesian that john..i hope he have a great valentine this year! thumb up! good luck!

MengZ said...

RM50 notes is quite water resistant..u can always was them.

i wonder how happy is the next customer found the RM50 notes floating around.

May Leng said...

everyday should be v-day.

now, thats what i called an expensive ass !

-= Meow =- said...

can use underwear to "clean" it rite?

-R·K- said...

omg... rm200 just like dat???

did he seriously just flushed it down the toilet?!?!?!?!

McGarmott said...

Wah. Lau. Eh.

At some point in the near future your blog will serve as a good repository for inspiration on romantic comedies.

Yii Toong said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stella said...

go speed dating! :)

David said...

Tim, you have NO idea about things like that. lol, that is why i always keep a packet of tissue IN my wallet just in case...Its life saving man!

MyNameisKitten said...

lmao! That is the most funnest story i have ever herd all day. Anyways same here. I hate Valentines Day because my last bf dumped two days before.