Sunday, August 13, 2006

How to live a luxurious life when you're poor

Dotcom entrepreneurs are poor people.

Almost every cent they have has gone into the little id
ea they believe in and that leaves them with a very tight budget to lead the rest of their lives.

I am no different.


Yet, this month I forgot to take into account a little piece of expenditure that I should've thought about: My colleague's birthday present.
It cost me over a 100 bucks, the same amount I was supposed to spend on a long overdue date with my baby.

My baby is a smart girl.

She doesn't fancy me taking her to a pretentious high class restaurant in Penang that often has lousy (or way overpriced) food.


She enjoys expensive food, but she wants to make sure that we're paying for the value of the food, and not for the little pretentious environment we get to sit in.

So I took her to Ingolf's Kneipe.
A small German restaurant in Penang that serves the best mushroom soup in the world (I shit u not).

Ingolf has a very casual environment. It's not even fully air-conditioned but people go there for only one thing: the fantastic food.
So there I was, taking my baby for a dinner that I couldn't afford but I knew how I could find my way around to afford it.

Step 1: When you order Mushroom soup, ALWAYS ask for "Kurang Mushroom" and then insist that they charge you 40 cents less to compensate for the fewer mushrooms in your soup.

The logic for this is simple.

When you go eat wan tan mee and ask the hawker to "tambah wan tan", they would normally charge you more. So similarly, if you ask the restaurant to "Kurang Mushroom", they should charge you less... right?

Some restaurants also try to act smart and give you soup in a big bun that's just too big to eat and too small to be cheap.

So when you come to instances like that, you ask to see the manager and say
"I ASKED FOR ONION SOUP... NOT BUN ONION SOUP!!! IF I WANTED AN ONION SOUP IN A BUN I WOULD'VE SAID ONION SOUP IN A BUN... NOW GIMME BACK MY 80 SEN!!!"

Step 2: When asked "What would you like to drink sir?"

Always say "TAP WATER" and insist that they NOT charge you a single cent for that (Drinking water is a HUMAN RIGHT).

Some places insist that they don't serve tap water and instead force you to buy a bottle of mineral water from them for RM1.00.

When faced with a situation like that, stay calm... relax... and just politely say to the waiter

"MA CHOW H*I IF U DUN GIMME MY WATER RIGHT NOW I AM GOING TO HURT YOU".

Step 3: The Steak

Normally when you order steak at a restaurant, the waiter would have to ask you
"How would you like your steak done sir? Medium, Medium-Well... Well-done?"

In which you should ALWAYS ask
"Which is cheaper?"

Some waiters would give you a good answer and then you should know how to pick the cheaper option.

Some waiters will try to be funny with you and say

"They're all the same Sir".

In which you should lose all your patience and say

"THEN WHY THE HUMP DO YOU EVEN BOTHER ASKING ME?!?!"

Step 4: The best things in life are free

When you're at the restaurant, ordering more things cost more money. But there are some things that are free no matter how much you decide to use.

For example, salt & pepper.

No matter how much you use... it's FREE!!!

So use up as much salt & pepper as you can.

Then when your food is salty/peppery enough, make sure you 'steal' the salt/pepper away in a plastic bag.

Do it at every restaurant for a week and at the end of the week, go to the market to sell your plastic bags of salt/pepper.

Talk about making money out of nothing.

Step 5: The best things in life are free... really!

Don't forget that water and use of the toilet is free too (Restaurants that charge 20 sen per entry of their toilets should be burned to the ground).

So find the sink and wash your hand as much as you can. Wash it so much that you'd never would have to wash it again for a week!

Heck, take a shower there even. You won't even need a towel to dry yourself... just get yourself a stack of serviettes (which are ALSO free by the way)

and wipe yourself off.

Oh... and lets not forget the TOOTHPICKS.

ALWAYS ask for toothpicks.

Restaurants with some class would provide you with not just ONE toothpick... but a stack of them just like this (though you normally only need one).

Now I'm sure many of you would start thinking of TAKING ALL THE TOOTHPICKS.

WELL SHAME ON YOU FOR THINKING OF DOING SUCH A TREACHEROUS THING!

That just reflects VERY VERY BADLY ON YOU.

The right thing would be to TAKE EVERYTHING but don't be a bastard... leave one toothpick there for the poor customer after you that would be dying to pick something off his teeth.

If you keep stealing EVERTHING, soon restaurants will never want to provide toothpicks again. Ever wonder why Malaysian public toilets don't come with toilet paper?

Because just like people steal toothpicks.. some people gain great satisfaction from stealing toilet paper his (really REALLY not funny).... so much that people don't even bother furnishing their toilets with toilet paper anymore.

So at the end of the dinner.

My baby was happy.

And I was happy with my juicy juicy medium-rare steak..So there you have it.

Learn from Stewie... and you may afford to live the life that you otherwise can't afford to live.

31 comments:

Jason said...

wah, this is new low wei.

Want me donate some cash for your lunch anot?

Timothy's Chip-Si said...

Boss Stewie..if u do tat when u take me out...i will tell the restaurant ppl
I DONT KNOW YOU~~~~~~~~~~~

:(

bunny said...

HAHA... you know, one time I went dinner with my friend and her brother to a noodle house like chop chop. Her brother took the plate home cos he wanted to take home the leftover but couldnt be bothered waiting for them to get him his container. That was so embarrassing!!!

Hasan said...

Hmmm, damn straight, that place has the best steaks. I miss German cuisine in Penang, its real must to taste the local food. Oh, and Timmy, you're a cheapass. You should have just taken her for sausages.

Boss Stewie said...

jason: haih.. now only u know lar new low

timothy chipsi: but u'll be sitting on the same table opposite me... so i think that would be hard to believe no matter how hard you try to tell people around u

bunny: now that is just too much. so he was walking around london with a plate in his hand like a homeless guy?

hasan: ah yes... 1916 :P

J said...

*lol*
Yes... and don't forget: At most Italian restaurants you can also help yourself to as much Tabasco sauce and Grated Cheese you can eat.
:)

Eve said...

thanks for enlightening us, the other poor people. hahaha

Lance said...

The mushroom soup and sausages there were the best you can find in Tanjung Bungah.

Now, where're the toothpicks?? >_<

Alynna said...

This is in addition to the post where you talked about nicking stuff from your friend's place? ;) Heheheh.

Mushroom soup sedap, whee!

Boss Stewie said...

j: oh yes... i never save on the grated cheese...

eve: it's my pleasure eve... the poor should help the poor..

lance: it's the best in malaysia lance.. not only in tanjung bungah

alynna: i'm really not a very good friend am i

Ivan said...

Hahahaha man..

Wait, I suppose this is a joke rite... You couldn't have really done all that!

bunny said...

Tim:. Yea, he seriously took the plate out and off home. He was a regular there as well. It'd be like me taking my plate home from chop chop... he didn't find it embarrassing tho... weirdo

-erintan- said...

Hahahahahahaha... Absolutely brilliant. Now I know what you've been up to in Penang without us. :)

You are Chinese through and through. :)

Boss Stewie said...

ivan: i'll leave that up to you to guess :P

bunny: how can the waiters allow that... not to mention chop chop waiters can be quite ... bastards

erin: ohh.. what i'm up to in penang is nothing compared to what all of you guys have been up to in kl

Skyler said...

Uh huh.

And how do you know the mushroom soup is the best.

Have you tried them all? Have ya??? Have ya????

aL said...

ooo...i didnt noe must do all that to save money =(

thanks boss! i will do tat everytime i go out makan d from today onwards =)))

i wont disappoint u! LOL!!!

Boss Stewie said...

skyler: ok skyler.. i knew someone was going to ensure i was politically correct... fine.... it's the best mushroom soup i've EVER HAD ok? that sound better?

al: yes... do that and u shall be able to buy ur ferrari in no time

suicidalconversationjunkie said...

AHAHAHA now i can put into motion my plan to gain notoriety in JB, a la boss stewie!

Boss Stewie said...

suicidal: and when people from JB ask me if i know a kiam siap gui from JB.. i'll say "no.. no.. never heard of him" :P

cely said...

how to read the 'ingolf's kneipe' ? ermmm

wei, i love mushroom soup... yummmmmmyyy.....

Boss Stewie said...

it's pronounced ingolf's kneipe... lol.. that was a great help right?

AhPau said...

mushroom soup!!! YumMmmMM!! You HAVE to gimme the directions to Ingolf's Kneipe!! =D

cely said...

boss, ~.~ .. u talk = no talk

Boss Stewie said...

ahpau: it's near the tanjung bungah 7 11 pau

cely: hahahahaha are u referring to me not replying to ur msn for a while.. i'm so sorry.. at work mah

bodicea said...

haha. dood. how about this: everytime you plan to go out and test a restaurant with the techniques above, you call me okay?

hemeh. btw, durian fest. oso call me weh!!! (in case you didn't read my reply to you in my blog.)

Boss Stewie said...

lol bodi.. okok sure.. shall call u for the next durian fest

suicidalconversationjunkie said...

ahaha kasi muka betul. i like :D

Boss Stewie said...

yes yes... you like :P

Jackson said...

roflmao! Who says lengmou is dead? ;)

Boss Stewie said...

ohh.. that wasn't intended to be lengmou material.. whooops

Gwen said...

zomg *faints* This kind of post ... lol.

Someone once told me, if you think of getting the cheapest food, better don't go out to eat. But that's in America la ... where you have to HAVE to tip 15% because that's what the waiters make. First few times when I was here I totally forgot to tip. Haihz. Attribute it to being an American noob lor.