How to live a luxurious life when you're poor

Dotcom entrepreneurs are poor people.

Almost every cent they have has gone into the little idea they believe in and that leaves them with a very tight budget to lead the rest of their lives.

I am no different.

Yet, this month I forgot to take into account a little piece of expenditure that I should've thought about: My colleague's birthday present. It cost me over a 100 bucks, the same amount I was supposed to spend on a long overdue date with my baby.

My baby is a smart girl.

She doesn't fancy me taking her to a pretentious high class restaurant in Penang that often has lousy (or way overpriced) food.

She enjoys expensive food, but she wants to make sure that we're paying for the value of the food, and not for the little pretentious environment we get to sit in.

So I took her to Ingolf's Kneipe.
A small German restaurant in Penang that serves the best mushroom soup in the world (I shit u not).

Ingolf has a very casual environment. It's not even fully air-conditioned but people go there for only one thing: the fantastic food. So there I was, taking my baby for a dinner that I couldn't afford but I knew how I could find my way around to afford it.

Step 1: When you order Mushroom soup, ALWAYS ask for "Kurang Mushroom" and then insist that they charge you 40 cents less to compensate for the fewer mushrooms in your soup.

The logic for this is simple.

When you go eat wan tan mee and ask the hawker to "tambah wan tan", they would normally charge you more. So similarly, if you ask the restaurant to "Kurang Mushroom", they should charge you less... right?

Some restaurants also try to act smart and give you soup in a big bun that's just too big to eat and too small to be cheap.

So when you come to instances like that, you ask to see the manager and say
"I ASKED FOR ONION SOUP... NOT BUN ONION SOUP!!! IF I WANTED AN ONION SOUP IN A BUN I WOULD'VE SAID ONION SOUP IN A BUN... NOW GIMME BACK MY 80 SEN!!!"

Step 2: When asked "What would you like to drink sir?"

Always say "TAP WATER" and insist that they NOT charge you a single cent for that (Drinking water is a HUMAN RIGHT).

Some places insist that they don't serve tap water and instead force you to buy a bottle of mineral water from them for RM1.00.

When faced with a situation like that, stay calm... relax... and just politely say to the waiter

"MA CHOW H*I IF U DUN GIMME MY WATER RIGHT NOW I AM GOING TO HURT YOU".

Step 3: The Steak

Normally when you order steak at a restaurant, the waiter would have to ask you
"How would you like your steak done sir? Medium, Medium-Well... Well-done?"

In which you should ALWAYS ask
"Which is cheaper?"

Some waiters would give you a good answer and then you should know how to pick the cheaper option.

Some waiters will try to be funny with you and say

"They're all the same Sir".

In which you should lose all your patience and say

"THEN WHY THE HUMP DO YOU EVEN BOTHER ASKING ME?!?!"

Step 4: The best things in life are free

When you're at the restaurant, ordering more things cost more money. But there are some things that are free no matter how much you decide to use.

For example, salt & pepper.

No matter how much you use... it's FREE!!!

So use up as much salt & pepper as you can.

Then when your food is salty/peppery enough, make sure you 'steal' the salt/pepper away in a plastic bag.

Do it at every restaurant for a week and at the end of the week, go to the market to sell your plastic bags of salt/pepper.

Talk about making money out of nothing.

Step 5: The best things in life are free... really!

Don't forget that water and use of the toilet is free too (Restaurants that charge 20 sen per entry of their toilets should be burned to the ground).

So find the sink and wash your hand as much as you can. Wash it so much that you'd never would have to wash it again for a week!

Heck, take a shower there even. You won't even need a towel to dry yourself... just get yourself a stack of serviettes (which are ALSO free by the way)

and wipe yourself off.

Oh... and lets not forget the TOOTHPICKS.

ALWAYS ask for toothpicks.

Restaurants with some class would provide you with not just ONE toothpick... but a stack of them just like this (though you normally only need one).

Now I'm sure many of you would start thinking of TAKING ALL THE TOOTHPICKS.

WELL SHAME ON YOU FOR THINKING OF DOING SUCH A TREACHEROUS THING!

That just reflects VERY VERY BADLY ON YOU.

The right thing would be to TAKE EVERYTHING but don't be a bastard... leave one toothpick there for the poor customer after you that would be dying to pick something off his teeth.

If you keep stealing EVERTHING, soon restaurants will never want to provide toothpicks again. Ever wonder why Malaysian public toilets don't come with toilet paper?

Because just like people steal toothpicks.. some people gain great satisfaction from stealing toilet paper his (really REALLY not funny).... so much that people don't even bother furnishing their toilets with toilet paper anymore.

So at the end of the dinner.

My baby was happy.

And I was happy with my juicy juicy medium-rare steak..So there you have it.

Learn from Stewie... and you may afford to live the life that you otherwise can't afford to live.