Tuesday, March 04, 2008

I Wanna Have My Own "Dear Thelma" Column AHHAHAHAA

Many of you ladies must already know that CLEO magazine always has this page in every issue where readers can write in and ask questions about sex (heck I remember blogging about this once before).

One of my female friends reads a lot of CLEO so whenever I see one I rush through to read the Question & Answer sections.I've always thought the answers to those questions were always politically correct and sometimes not brutally honest. One day if I'm free and all, it might be fun for a while to be one of those "Dear Thelma" people. Maybe a "Dear Boss..."

I'll do a really good job at answering the questions. Really! Here's my trial run.


Question 1

Question: "Every time when my husband and I have sex, he likes to squeeze by breasts hard. It hurts after that. I just want to know if there would be any infection to my breasts if he were to do this to me regularly".

Answer: Every time he squeezes your breasts, squeeze his nuts equally as hard... you know just for fun. I bet he'll be the one worrying about swelling or an infection.


Question 2


Question: I've always felt sorry for women whose boyfriends ogle other women in public. Especially when these girls are thinner or younger than the women they are with. i love the fact that if my boyfriend does check out other women when I'm around, he does it in such a discreet way that I have never noticed.

Until now. The other day, I caught him red handed. To my shock however, the woman he was "appreciating" was in her mid fifties at least. Yes she was immaculately dressed and rather striking, but still. I almost would have felt better if it had been some bimbo. What's the attraction here?

Answer: WHAT?!?! A NON-SUPERFICIAL MAN?!?! BLASPHEMY!!!



Question 3


Question: The other day, my boyfriend of six months made a strange request in bed. He wanted to lick honey off my body. I told him I'd think about it but to be honest am a bit put off by the stickiness factor and having to wash it all off afterwards. How do i break the news to him without sounding as if I'm not open to trying new things in bed.

Answer: Easy. Do the honey thing ONCE. Then after that tell him you have a fetish for shit and you want him to smear shit all over you, then lick it all off.

If he refuses to do so say
"What the hell?!?!? I thought you wanted to be adventurous in bed?!?! YOU PUSSY!!! I'm not doing that honey thing for you ever again!!!!"

Problem solved.

Question 4

Question: I'm 18 years old. Last week my boyfriend hugged me and we kissed for a really long time which left me feeling very aroused. Can I become pregnant this way? I'm scared.

Answer: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!! YOU HUGGED AND KISSED?!?!? Did you know that HUGGING AND KISSING alone has a 95% higher chance for you to get pregnant compared to having actual sexual intercourse?

Not only that, if you were to conceive via HUGGING and KISSING, your baby will come out evil with a really big head, a red jumper and big plans to take over the world!!!

Question 5

Question: My recently ex-boyfriend cheated on me and I want revenge. I want the world to know what a two-timing sleaze he is and how he hurt me. I'm thinking of putting his name and photo on one of those Websites which warn women not to go out with certain men. Should I go ahead?

Answer: You know this is why it's dangerous to date bloggers. Imagine if I dated Skyler.
If I screwed up, she will blog about what an asshole I am and the whole world will know. Then anyone who Googles you name will know what a bastard I am!!! Oh but back to answering your question... ermm.. yeah go ahead. I'm sure he'll "care".

See? I'm good eh.. you guys would write to my column eh?

I mean I've very practical about. No nonsense mushy mushy politically correct answers from me.

35 comments:

Kimberlycun said...

err what if the fella says yes to the shit thing?

Chris said...

Q3: ahahahahaahha...

LOL LOL LOL.

Kimberly: Naah, if he say yes you can just dump him...

Boss Stewie said...

kimberly: then uhh.... uhh...time to call the cops

chris: lol silly question huh

Super Gentleman said...

Question 6.

Question: If we were to vote whether Timothy Tiah should be given a column of his own, wad would your vote be?

Answer: A well owned fucking yes!!!

LoL...

pinkpau said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
pinkpau said...

okok i start!!

dear boss stewie

this friend of mine (not me lah, of course, my friend! my friend) has this boyfriend who likes to shag her while she's on the phone. it's quite distracting especially when she's talking to colleagues, lecturers or sometimes even her boss wtf. she tells him to stop it but he thinks it's very funny to make her suffer like that. what should she do????

signed,
anonymous stressed-out friend of this girl

Simon Seow said...

aiya, Kim asked my question.

Dear Pinkpau.

Ask your friend to turn the phone to speaker mode while she's on the phone and ask her boyfriend to do it while she talk to the phone.

Regards,
Dr. Simon SEOW (Read my surname in Hokkien)

~em~ said...

haha... i'll sure be a regular reader of your column if u have one... for entertainment.. :D

pinksterz said...

WTF to question #4!

you scare all the kids!!!!!! LOL!

[fong88] said...

good idea to be considered..dear boss column..LOL!!!!!

KY said...

I'm more afraid of Kim now.

Hor*ny Ang Moh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hor*ny Ang Moh said...

Hi Bossy! I got two problems!
I am a hyper active poker! Whenever I saw a 'hot' ladies my
'bro' will wake up & tear up my pant like supermen tear off his shirts!
How to solve this active 'bro' problem???( Please don't ask me to whack my 'bro'! I have try that! If fact I ask gf to whack my 'bro' All not use 'bro' still very active!)
Looking at all this hot ladies made my 'bro' want to poke into them!!! ( Please don't ask me to poke into any bottle I can find! Done that but most bottle have small hole or my 'bro' get stuck inside so have to go to hospital to break the glass bottle! )
So Bossy ur expert advice in solving my problem is highly appreciated!!!
Thank you very much!

Chris said...

hahaha, now this is a really great post! =D

immi said...

hahah yea yea do the dear boss column, i'll definitely refer all my friends with issues to u. :P

May Zhee said...

Dear boss,

What if I thought of something, and then typed out an entire blog post a few days ago but today happened to stumble upon a blog post that has contents which is exactly like mine?

XXX

WALAU. You stupid fellow. I also had something like that, and I also wrote about Cleo Magazine's sex column. But you beat me to it.

twosuperheroes said...

Boss, if you'd been the one writing those replies in CLEO, I wouldn't have stopped reading it! In fact I'll most willingly place orders for 12 months in advance. :p

belle said...

shit..i must be very pregnant now
thanks boss!

Big Boys Oven said...

oh this is so funny! I would love if you have a columm, it will be fab!

windwalker said...

Hahahaha....damn funny!

Daren said...

I'm so going to call the Malaysian Sexuality Awareness Council to complaint.

liyuan said...

wahaha.. this is so good i had to comment!

vss3t said...

Dear Boss,

Can Cleo sack their Q&A columnist and replace u instead. that would boost their sales for sure.


xoxo

Vss3t pHD in Marketing.
yeah, right!

Cheng Chun said...

Being a love doctor eh Boss. Though I think people might commit suicide after your answers leh. :P

Esther Chin said...

your answer to question 3 is perfect.

Aronil said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHHAHAAHA my goshhhhhhh what the heckckkkkkkk hahahahahhaha CLEO must hire you know and then all the females will stop buying cleo hahhaa

Kimberlycun said...

hahahahah like that have to text pinkpau, i mean pinkpau's friend before calling her next time whey! dont wanna be blushing hearing some strange moaning while talking to her. eh i also dunno who is pinkpau's friend..how would i call her right.

William Leong said...

Dear Boss,

Kissing can 95% get pregnant one ar? My fren's fren's fren always kiss very long, sometimes 2 hours straight. Like that, does it make it 180% chance of getting pregnant? What do I tell her to do now?

-Worried fren's fren's fren-

lesley joan said...

hey tim! first time commenting..hehe, your answers to all the questions are so funny.

i have always thought that you're the kind of guy who's very proper and no nonsense shit. turns out you're also sisuahlai one. Haha...

FunksTer said...

nice post timmy...i read those contents in cleo too...haha! :P
if im not mistaken, probably last month's or this months issue.

cheers mate!

May Leng said...

dear boss

my bf is into anal sex. seeing your reply to the honey suggestion, should I try anal on him too ?

signed
confused hole

kakkaa ...

aVieo0o said...

Dear Boss,

I was a former employee at CLEO. :)

Signed,
Just random.

This is a place for me to rant anonymousely. said...

avieOo: Sooo! You're the one who's a contributor to the neurosis of Malaysian girls everywhere, who spend too much on shoes, cosmetics and knicks knacks advertised in the form or "articles" by magazines like CLEO. And also to make them obsess over their looks and their sex lives when everyone should be out having fun or reading more substantial and fulfilling literature and maybe even some poetry to feed their soul.

Instead we have a 1cm thick glossy, bound piece of not-replaced dead tree carcass filled half with ads and the other hald with entertaining but brain-damaging columns like the abovementioned "Dear Thelma" that soon find their way into a landfill because the buyers are too damn lazy to recycle or can't find a recycling center because all the funds have been forfeited in lieu of sending a gay tourist into space and to inspect leaking roofs.

Doh!!!

This is a place for me to rant anonymousely. said...

May Leng: This girl wanted to stick her finger up my ass. I think she read it in a magazine somewhere that it "stimulates the prostate" and makes for a super orgasm. Damn magazines!!

Then again, as gross as it sounds, having an ass licked is a pretty amazing sensation. Try it, your boyfriend will secretly squeal in pleasure. Just don't eat laksa or durian before that.

May Leng said...

what !! "stimulate the prostate !"

ok, its not funny anymore . YUCK !