Pimp My Broadband

Okay DiGi just launched this campaign called "Pimp My Broadband" which is something like "Pimp My Ride" on MTV. You know when people take videos of how bad their cars are ask MTV to pimp them. I thought it was a really cool idea (some of you might know how I've been struggling with my poor broadband lately) and I somehow decided to do this entry for fun. Note that this is not an advertorial or anything. DiGi isn't paying me anything to write this. Just thought it'll be fun.

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Dear DiGi,

My name is Munkeh.

I'm a monkey but I'm not like any of those stupid monkeys that you see in Botanical Gardens chasing tourists for bananas. No... me and my kind are intelligent monkeys. Monkeys so smart that we can do anything you the humans do and more. Albert II, the first monkey that ever went into space (far before humans did) was my uncle.

We are everywhere! All over the homes of the humans all over the world but we do not reveal how much we know to them. No no no... we lie quietly in their homes, carefully laying out our plans to TAKE OVER THE WORLD BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

But...things..... have.... not... been... great for me lately :(

You see 2 years ago I moved in with this human. I used to think that his name is "Timothy" but I often hear his grandma call him "Ah Boy!" and his girlfriend call him "Oi!".

Oi must be his name then. Anyway, Oi is the best human to stay with if you want to lay out evil monkey plans to rule the world. Why? Because he is almost never at home.

He wakes up at 6AM in the morning, puts on his gay looking sleeveless shirt and runs off to this place that he calls a gym. I'm not sure what he does there but 1 and a half hours later he comes back looking soaked like he had just jumped into a big monsoon drain and came out again.

Then he takes a quick shower and rushes off to work. I never see him again until very late at night when he comes back with his girlfriend who is this cute little girl.

So as you can see, being out of the house most of the time gives me plenty of time alone to work on my plans to dominate the world!!!

I spend much time on his laptop using the World Wide Web to communicate with my fellow monkeys.

I cannot divulge here our top secret plans to take over the world but believe me it is good. Lately though I have run into a lot of problems with the broadband that connects me to the World Wide Web and to my clan of evil monkeys!

The connection is so slow I can load a webpage, go pee and come back to have it still not yet fully loaded. My cousin Pan-Kun who lives in Japan often laughs at me.

He says his broadband there can load a full YouTube video in the time that it takes me load a webpage. He says that my broadband "sucks". It's not just the speed. Every now and then my internet connection dies completely. I have to call up my service provider and have them ask me lots of questions like this:

1) Can I please get your name and your account name? (Name: Munkeh. Account name: Munkeh_RULEZ_THE_WORLDZ).

2) Is your modem connected to your router properly (Yes)

3) Is your modem turned on (Duh)

4) Did you try switching it on and off (Yes)

.... and questions like that until they eventually say "Ok Sir, we will investigate and send a team to you in 2-3 working days".

2-3 WORKING DAYS!!! INTERNETLESS FOR 2 WORKING DAYS!!! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO UNTIL THEN? CLIMB TREES AND EAT BANANAS?!?!?! (Honestly... bananas are overrated. Damn humans think we love them more than anything. I prefer cake. The other day Oi brought back this Tiramisu from Alexis... IT WAS EPIC).

So please DiGi. Please Pimp My Broadband so I can give Pan-Kun the finger. In exchange for helping me out I will let you live when we take over the world.

Please DiGi... PUH-LEEEZEE!!!

(see? I'm even begging)

Yours Truly,

Munkeh