Friday, September 01, 2006

A Letter from the Boss

Imagine this.

It's a Tuesday morning and you walk into your office on time and ready for work.


Some of your colleagues seem to be in a slightly depressed mood but you think it's because they're stressed out with all the deadlines they have to meet.

You pour yourself a cup of coffee at the company pantry and you walk to your workstation where you sink into your seat. You open the newspaper you brought to work and at the same time you make a few clicks on your computer to check your e-mail and you get an e-mail telling you that you've just been fired (Thank you very much).

That is more or less what happened to 400 employees from the Radio Shack Headquarters in Texas last Tuesday morning at 8.45am.
The "lucky 400" employees who were in the list received this e-mail
"The work force reduction notification is currently in progress. Unfortunately, your position is one that has been eliminated."

Or in simple words it means

"We've just fired you so that the rest of us can keep your jobs. Ha Ha!"

Now what on Earth is up with that?

What happened to the times when your boss would tell you personally

"You're fired! Now get the hell out of my office".

Or when you would get a letter nicely printed on Company Stationery with nice words like this letter here from the imaginary multi-million dollar toilet paper company Sai Chua Berhad.


Dear Kok Yew,

Your work and contribution to our Company (Sai Chua Berhad) has been essential to our success.

In the past two years we have grown from a company with just 200 employees to one with over 1,000 employees and from just one brand of toilet paper to over 40 brands including our latest "Veli Veli Soft Like Silk", the new model of our older brand "Soft Like Silk".


Our revenues have also tripled in just the last 6 months alone and we know that all this success is owed to your work and contribution to the Company.

All your colleagues have nothing but praises for your work ethic and they all marvel at your integrity to the company shown simply by your reluctance to even steal the paper clips from our office.

We even notice how you sparingly drink water from our water cooler in order to lowe our company's costs.

You are truly the best employee we have ever had.

However, in spite of all this you may have already known that last week we interviewed a woman that goes by the name of Jessica Alba and she very much wanted your position.


She was interviewed by all the male senior managers and everyone felt that she was better suited for your position of Head of Toilet Paper Sales after she told us of her extraordinary sales experience where she managed to sell a bottle of water to a man dying of thirst in the Sahara Desert.

All 6 of the 10 managers of our branch agreed that we just had to employ Jessica Alba. The remaining 4 managers (who were all women) protested strongly against our decision but we know for sure that we are making the right move for the future of the company.

Without Jessica Alba, our male-dominated Toilet Paper company will lose motivation to come to the office to work. Therefore we have to employ her.

However, the Sai Chua Berhad HQ in Penang has refused to take on Jessica Alba simply because our branch has supposedly over-stretched our labour budget.

This could mean two things. Either we can't afford to employ Miss Alba or we fire somebody in the company to give room for her.

Fortunately for the rest of us at the company, we decided to make room for her by firing someone.
After countless meetings with other male managers, we've decided that of all the male employees here at Sai Chua Berhad, you were the best looking and most charming employee.

You are the only one among us who does not wear pants high up to the tummy or button your shirt all the way to the top.

Therefore in our foresight, should you ever be around when we hire Jessica Alba, you will take her away from all of us, leaving the rest of us 40-year old virgins behind.
It is because of this reason and this reason alone that we proudly announce to you that you are to be fired effective immediately. Please gather all your things and vacate the office premises before 2.00pm today since Jessica Alba will be coming in at 2.30pm.

Allow me this opportunity to thank you very much for the sacrifice you're making for the team.

Should any of your future employers contact me for a reference, I shall tell them that you are an excellent toilet paper sales man having managed to sell toilet paper to an elephant two years ago.

I shall also tell them about the time you managed to skillfully sell our stainless steel toilet paper roll to the mother-in-laws of everyone at the company.

But more importantly, I shall tell them how you 'willingly' took one for the team.

I wish you the very best in your future undertakings.

Yours Sincerely,
Khoo Khoo Chiaw
Managing Director of Sai Chua Berhad
Kuala Lumpur Branch.

27 comments:

earl-ku said...

EH WHERE YOU GOT MY LETTER AR?

its Pee and See you know?

Eve said...

such a brave hero. to sacrifice like tat..haha

Boss Stewie said...

earl: hahahahaha... so jessica alba's working at ur old company now eh?

eve: yes... it takes ballz.. lots and lots of ballz

andreas said...

Hero.

What a great entry. Sadly for those that have been fired, they will never have the pleasure to meet such cutie :)

The sad part is that these kind of firing really happens in the US. You come to work one day and your job is gone. What culture is that?

Jason said...

This one should be posted in lengmou lah! It's a mistake to close down lengmou.

ricadoe said...

The boss is a fool. To hire jessica alba as head of toilet paper sales? That's foolish. If i were him, of course she'll be my personal secretary. ~nose bleed~

Boss Stewie said...

andreas: that's the wonderful thing of labour flexibility... a capitalists wet dream.

jason: aiyooo.. no lar.. don't u feel this blog is a lot more quieter.. i like..

ricadoe: i agree! THE FOOL!!!

William Leong said...

Boss is hinting out to us the fact that he himself is a BOSS, so he won't get fired... where on the other way around, he can shoot and fire anyone he likes if he bo song.

Boss Stewie said...

william: pleasee lar william...i am hardly a boss

Anonymous said...

kong tang kong sai A1!!!

Dr. Tan said...

Heh. I'll show you the picture of the fat guy I photoshopped last time around. It was my second effort and it was OK.

suicidalconversationjunkie said...

puh-leeze boss, jessica alba's busy preparing to be your birthday present escort (and hence part of your birthday present) soon. now we all know here you've got a popular blog thing going on but it's wrong to lie about it, no? Share the joy baby! jessica's gonna be yours soon! now tell the poor man he can have his job back. and happy handling the two-sided jealousy. ;D

Boss Stewie said...

anonymous: eh where got

dr tan: ok yee hou.. show me!!!

suicidal: noo!! jessica alba is NOT to be shared!!

Anonymous said...

Very nice! I found a place where you can
make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

Anonymous said...

Very nice! I found a place where you can
make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

Anonymous said...

Very nice! I found a place where you can
make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

Alynna said...

Damn... ass-grater of a toilet paper roll? :P

suicidalconversationjunkie said...

selfish arse. i meant share the good news.. ahaha now we all know what the boss is like with his abundance of women.

Nicholas said...

Boss Stewie, do you have any woman staff working for you? As your secretary perhaps? :P

Boss Stewie said...

alynna: yes.. please don't diss sai chua's products..

suicidal: yes.. now we know...damn bosses!

nicholas: no lar.. dun haf.. my office all guys

Anonymous said...

boss stewie...diss your ah bop yau dim? its true ur ah bop is fake soft toys, i dint said anytings wrong....lei chui ah? u & ur baby wanna come beat me is it?

suicidalconversationjunkie said...

er.. i was talking about u. haha. but it's good to noe jess is in selfishly good hands. wooooott

こうゆうけん said...

Yo... boss! been a while didn't visit here. Recently been busy so didn't have time to come over, hope you are doing well. :P

Boss Stewie said...

suicidal: yes... it is good to know indeed.

koyuuken: yes koyuuken.. u haven't been updating ur blog enough!

Leon said...

Stewie...that's my jessica alba!

Gwen said...

Ooo Jessica Alba lau hau sui ...

Yeah that's really sad about the laying off thing and all but I sincerely made this comment to say that you, sir have way too much time on your hands!!! But on the other hand, your website is like sin. Gotta keep coming back for more. *sigh*

Gwen said...

Ooo Jessica Alba lau hau sui ...

Yeah that's really sad about the laying off thing and all but I sincerely made this comment to say that you, sir have way too much time on your hands!!! But on the other hand, your website is like sin. Gotta keep coming back for more. *sigh*