What Tiger Woods Really Meant to Say At His Press Conference

I'm sure all of you know what's been going on with Tiger Woods right? How he's been having a little bit of a bad time for being caught cheating on his wife and all that. He's even had a press conference not too long ago to issue an apology. The public has been putting him through so much shit that I actually feel really sorry for him.

It's politically correct these days to say Tiger Woods deserved whatever he's getting and all that for what he did but I'm just going to say it. I think it's too much. While he has done wrong by cheating, why should everyone continue to crucify him for his suffering marriage? Who are we to say that we will never make any mistakes like this at any point in our lives? When we judge him, what is it that makes us feel we're more perfect than him?

Anyway a few days ago Princess sent me one of these forwarded e-mails that she gets from her Dad. Yes her Dad haha and I thought it gave a different perspective from how we're all used to seeing this situation which I thought was a little over the top but worth sharing anyway.

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What Tiger Woods Really Meant to Say At His Press Conference

Let me just say to all my fans that I feel sorry for everyone who criticized me for my extra-marital affairs. You must live a miserable existence if you have nothing better to do than read about my personal life in the tabloids. But I suppose I should provide an explanation about my behavior so that you will continue to buy the products I endorse.

So here goes. I am an average looking man of mixed racial descent. Like most men, I had trouble getting pussy before I became a famous multimillionaire. I did okay at Stanford because I was on the golf team, but the women there graded out with a “B” because they were leftovers that players on the football team didn’t want. Before that, I got nothing because I have a bland personality and big lips.

Then, I win a few golf tournaments and women are lining up at my door. Of course, I took advantage of my opportunities. These were women who wouldn’t give me the time of day if I sold insurance or worked on a used car lot. They wanted me so they could brag to their friends about having sex with a celebrity, while holding the belief that one day they would live a life of luxury as the wife of Tiger Woods. When that didn’t happen, they seized on an opportunity to sell their story to the tabloids, all the while looking the part of a woman scorned.

Now I want to discuss my wife.

When I met Elin, she was just like the others, except she played the “hard-to-get” strategy that women often use to corral men. It worked. She had all the qualities I wanted in a woman: pretty face, nice tits, nice ass, and an inviting personality. We dated for a while, had wild sex, and we genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. When I asked her to marry me, she accepted. Why wouldn't she? Only an idiot would say no to a lavish lifestyle that most people only dream about.

Our marriage was okay. We have two wonderful children and Elin is a good mother. But since she had those kids, she’s become a bitch, and doesn’t want to have sex very often. And, she won’t accompany me on road trips, except to the major championships. Unfortunately, my job requires that I travel to a different city every week where women nod approvingly at me where ever I go. Do you see the problem here?

To all the men out there: What would you have done in my shoes? Would you have said no to all the woman who lined up to meet you, especially after listening to your wife bitch at you over the telephone for not spending enough time at home with her and the kids?

And to all the women: How many of you would have turned down an opportunity to spend a night with me, knowing that you could sell your story to a tabloid for 500K?I feel bad about the potential damage my actions might cause my kids. As for Elin, I can think of at least 300 million reasons why she will be okay if we divorce and she is forced to survive on her own. And don’t forget that vast support network she will have after appearing on Oprah and The View.

As for me, I have paid dearly for my transgressions. I have lost millions and might lose custody of my children. Almost everyone who sees me takes great pleasure seeing me in pain.
The letters "Saint" or " St. " do not precede my name. Your telling me it's O.K. to screw everything in sight and be a politician, but you can't be a pro-golfer???
Did I become famous for being a model married man, or was it because I'm the best damn golfer in the world???

Now here I stand, while you sit there anxiously waiting to hear my heartfelt apology, when all I really want to say is “Fuck Off!”

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