Conversation with Kelz

I was talking to Kelz on MSN the other day.

You all know Kelz right? The hot but occasionally nasty girl in this picture.
Kelz: i canot tink of funny tings 2 write
Stewie: ahhh.. i never can think of funny things to write too
Kelz:YAH RIGHT
Kelz:so random tings bout u
Kelz:go tell me NOW.
Stewie:huh?
Stewie:random things bout me?
Kelz: yeah. I dont really know u
Stewie: ohh
Stewie:well uhmm
Stewie: i like girls
Stewie: very very much
Stewie: to be exact.. i like women
Kelz.:HAHAHAHAHA
Stewie: which is quite rare
Stewie: cuz not many guys i know love women
Stewie: right?
Stewie: it's not often u come across a guy who loves women
Kelz:hahaha well, dats good 2 know
Stewie says:now ur turn
Kelz:hmm random random..
Kelz:oh i was in my high school BASKETBALL team
Kelz:and always won 1st place
Kelz:thugh i just 5ft 1
Stewie: ohhh
Stewie:wowww
Stewie:impressive
Stewie: i didn't see that cominggg
Kelz: hahaha yeap
Kelz: cos im short mar
Stewie:u're not short
Stewie:u're average height
Kelz:haha i am rather petite
Stewie:which is not a bad thing
Kelz:haha i like my height
Kelz:ur turn
Stewie: ohh
Stewie: well
Stewie: ok
Stewie: this may come as a shock to u
Stewie: now when u look at me... u might think that i am indian... but the truth
is... i am chinese
Kelz: HAHAHAHA FCK YOULARRRR
Kelz: hahahaha
Stewie: did u just say the F word at me?
Stewie: bloody helll
Stewie: mahaii kelzz
Stewie: if u were a guy i would ask u to go...
Stewie: but u're a woman.. so i say
Stewie: no kelz... please don't say such things...
Stewie: wait.. it's because i'm chinese isn't it?
Stewie: it's because u don't like chinese isn't it?
Kelz: ahhahahha
Kelz: hahahahaha
Kelz: go die lar u..go die far far away
Stewie:hahahaha
Stewie:okok ur turn
Kelz: hmmm...
Kelz: many ppl esp in college tinks im chinese indo
Kelz: WHAT?!?!
Stewie:THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS!!!
Kelz: yeah dono y..
Stewie: U MEAN...
Stewie: u mean u're... U're CHINESE?!
Kelz: HAHHAHAHAHAHA
Kelz: ya i AMM u dumb ass
Stewie says:hahahahah
Kelz:half blind bat
Stewie:my my.. always hurling insults my way
Stewie:u're not a very nice person are u kelz
Kelz: ei ur turn right
Stewie: okay okay
Stewie: i am fat
Stewie: as much as i try to deny it
Stewie: i AM fat
Kelz: i tink ur pLump.
Stewie: AUUUUUUGHHHHHHhhh
Stewie: SO U THINK i"M PLUMP
Stewie: ?!?!
Kelz: yeah HHAHAHAHAHA
Kelz: NOT FAT WAT
Stewie: SONOFA...
Stewie:wait
Kelz: hahaha wt
Stewie: looking for a picture of myself to prove that i'm not fat
Stewie: but all the pictures i have make me look fat
Stewie: IT'S NOT ME!!! IT'S THE CAMERA!
Kelz: ya the camera adds 10 pounds
Stewie: 20 pounds
Kelz:10
Kelz:hahaha
Stewie: 15!
Kelz: fine..12
Kelz: last offer

Then I showed her this pictureStewie:THERE!!!
Stewie: LOOK
Stewie: look at the last picture
Stewie: and tell me
Stewie: am i FAT?
Kelz: OMG
Kelz: this convo is so wrong..UR A GUY AND ur asking me are u fat
Kelz: HAHAHAHAH
Kelz: OMG
Kelz: UR NOT FAT
Kelz: DAMN HOT AH UR BODY
Kelz: i likeyyy
Kelz: shit too bad ur taken
Kelz: HAHAHAHAHA
Stewie: HAH

Ok that's enough.

This Calls for a CELEBRATION WOOOHOOO!!!

I woke up this morning, went for my morning coffee and opened the The Star to read my daily dosage of news. The first thing I saw called for a CELEBRATION!!!

That's right everyone... "Ah Longs" (Loansharks) have cut their interest rates from 30% a month to 5% a month!!!

WOOHOOO!!!

LET'S CELEBRATE!!!
I feel that the Ah Long's have done something revolutionary!

For example, years ago I couldn't travel as much as I liked because I was (and still am) poor.

Then came along AirAsia offering people like me the opportunity to fly for a fraction of what I had to pay for an air ticket.

AirAsia's motto was
"Now everyone can fly!" They were indeed right!

Now everyone COULD fly!

And now, the Ah Longs have jumped on the bandwagon to make it more possible for the poor consumers like myself to do more things.
That's right!!!

Now everyone can BORROW MONEY!!!!

Of course, I do sympathise with the Ah Longs.

The newspaper article mentioned how competition had heated up and they now had to start advertising.

Now since the Ah Long's were all nice enough to lower their rates for us... the least I could do was to help them with their advertising.

So I used my very unimaginative and uncreative mind to 'steal' AirAsia's earlier advertisement


And modified it for the Ah Long's.

If you ever see another Ah Long blog advertisement, remember that you saw the first one here!

This post is not meant to be funny... I had a straight-poker-depressed face when typing it out and that is not a good sign... my Baby actually hit me on the head for writing such a lame post... but I can do that right?

I can write lame posts cuz I am not Kennysia right? So I don't have high expectations in humour right? right?

Remembering Leng Mou Two Months On

"Boss!!! Tell you what, since we make each other laugh so much, why don't we create a blog just for both of us to post things and make each other laugh. Leng Mou ?"

That was what I said to Boss Lepton 10 months ago before we created a blog meant for both of us to make each other laugh.

On the first day our blog was published I asked him
"Boss, why do you call yourself Boss Lepton? Just say Lepton lar.. I also put my nick as Stewie mah".

Boss Lepton looked at me and said
"You always call me Boss and I always call you Boss what? You also change your nick to Boss Stewie lar! Nobody's going to read this blog anyway... what's the big deal?"I guess we were wrong.

Every morning I would wake up in my cold London bedroom and check on the new little blog we created to see if Boss Lepton had managed to make me laugh to brighten my morning.

After some time, I had even started with a little collection of my favourite posts that Boss Lepton has written like the one about parkaconomics.
On our first day, we received 30 visits .

I remember calling Boss Lepton up to say
"HOLY CRAP! WE GOT 30 VISITS TODAY!!! FROM WHERE?!?! AHHAHAHAHA".

Then the next day we received over 70 visits and I was equally as excited.

Then one day, the visits looked like it was climbing fast in the morning. My London flatmate who knew about the blog bet me that it would break a 100 and I didn't believe it.

I took his bet and lost.

Not long after that... it exploded exponentially to over 4 digits worth of unique visits every day. The fanmail started flowing in and we were both feeling on top of the world.

We were both... very very high.

We've heard comments that we were the "Funniest Blog in Asia" though I highly doubt it since I have seen far funnier blogs like Kenny Sia and Rojaks who take much effort to create blog posts that make their readers laugh every day.

Can you imagine the kind of life these rare bloggers have to live... every morning they wake up thinking

"Hmm.. how do I make my readers laugh today?"

It is easy to blog and write anything you want.

It is easy to camwhore and post many many pictures of yourself...

but it is not easy to write a funny post every day

(not to mention when they do fail... they get criticised for being "lame" when they should instead be praised for trying).

I salute both Wingz and Kenny for being able to keep up with this marathon.What Boss Lepton and I really took pride in though was the fanmail that sometimes mention how we help make our readers laugh during a boring day at work.

One reader also once told me that his entire office reads my blog.

So why did it all end?

I guess after I graduated I realised that there comes a point in my everyone's life when he realizes that he's not a little boy anymore.

That it's okay to be wild when you're a student but less okay when you're old enough and entering the working/business world.

I decided that as much as there was the urge to write all my funny thoughts in one place of the internet... there was a bigger urge that I had to grow up and think of how people I meet in real life will take me seriously if I am known to write rubbish on the internet.

I doubt people would take me seriously if they read what I said about giving a toilet roll lots and lots of love or if they read my post teaching everyone else how to be annoying.
Or if they read the little Malay language essay I wrote about....

Reading their biographies, a lot of great people have had their wild side. For example, Richard Branson once took drugs. But all of them knew when the time came for them to grow up and be men rather than boys.

I had to grow up too.

Yet many people used to tell me that I will never be able to let go of Leng Mou.

That I will never be able to let go of the 'marketing power' that the blog had brought me but I proved them wrong.

Today, it has been exactly 2 months since my last "Goodbye" post at Leng Mou.
(Surprisingly when I check the site stats every now and then I still see many people going back there to read our previous posts.)Now in this blog I get 10% of the visits I used to get every day.

Most of my readers have accepted the fact that I truly am going to stop blogging posts that 'try to be funny' and have left me.

But the ones that remain are the ones that matter the most to me and more importantly... I am happy.

I have finally grown up...

What The Richest Men in the World Drive

Cars are the ultimate status symbol.

When I drive my friend's BMW, people who see me in it think that I'm rich and tend to pay me a little more attention.

(Except when I drive my other friend's BMW 318i in which people probably look at me and think "Oh.. here's a young fool who couldn't afford a PROPER BMW and had to settle for the cheapest 318i instead of a 325i").

But when I drive my OWN Proton Waja, people DON'T see me in it. Simply because they just don't bother looking at the poor man driving the Proton Waja.

My father always tells me
"Don't be deceived by the cars people drive. Just because he drives a BMW doesn't mean he's rich. It could just mean that he's willing to borrow money just to put on a good front or that his company's giving him a car to drive".

He told me the story of one of his friends who once bought a very expensive car that he couldn't afford just to show bankers that he was "Financially Okay" when he really wasn't. He ended up selling the car a few years later after defaulting on the loan.

So with this perspective. I started trying to pay attention to what people drive and who they really are.
My partner from Singapore (Ming), once told me that he heard a lot of Penang people are very very rich but they just never show it.

I told him that I doubt that the rich in Penang are anywhere close to the rich in KL but how would I ever know anyway.

My mind thought back to the time when I met this Penangnite in his forties that I knew was filty rich.

He had inherited a fortune in property from his father that was put in a family trust. His share of that trust alone was worth millions... not just a few millions... but tens or maybe even hundreds of millions (who knows)?.

But what car did he drive?

A PROTON SAGA that was almost as old as I am.
So I started looking online at what the richest people in the world drove.

Of course, there are among the super-rich in the world that were willing to splash money on Bentleys, Maybachs and Ferraris.

Some like Prince Waleed take it another step higher by having his car custom-made to be covered with diamonds costing approximately RM17,520,000.
And rightfully so!

If you've made your money (in honest ways of course), you deserve to splash every cent of it.

But then there are the super-rich who don't splash their money on cars but put their money on other causes.

Take for example Warren Buffet, the 2nd Richest Man in the World worth an estimated $44 billion .

He drives a 2001 Lincoln Town Car which is honestly... nothing to shout about. So where does he spend his money then?

It was recently reported that Warren Buffet was going to donate $37 billion of his fortune to charity.

What about the other richest men in the world like Ingvar Kamprad who owns IKEA and is estimated to be worth $23 billion.

Well he drives... THIS
An old Volvo that he has had since 1993, long before most of us reading this blog knew how to say the word "Kinky".

Then there's Jim Walton of the Wal-Mart family who's worth $18.2 billion but drives a PICKUP TRUCK.
Oh but lets not forget Paul Allen, Co-Founder of Microsoft who's worth $21 billion and drives an old 1988 Porsche.Now an old Porsche like that is too old to be put in the class of today's luxury cars and too new to be considered a 'classic' or 'antique' car. So... it's just a car... and it doesn't matter if it's a Porsche.

And finally, lets also look at Steve Ballmer, another Microsoft billionaire worth $12.1 billion but drives this...That's right.. no Maybachs, no Ferraris, not even Mercedes 0r BMWs... and they have all the money in the world.

I guess some people love to spend on flashy cars.... and some don't.

As for Stewie... Stewie loves cars...

A Woman's Close Male Friend

Late last night a very depressed friend of mine called me up to vent all his feelings. Let me name this friend "Barney" (obviously not his real name).
Two years ago, Barney met the most beautiful girl he had ever seen in his life at a friend's birthday party. I shall name this girl "Xena Warrior Princess" (again obviously not her real name).When they met, she belonged to someone else but Xena and her boyfriend at that time were going through a rough patch and it was obvious to everyone that they were about to break up.

So Barney saw the opportunity to be the next in line and he took it, calling and smsing her every day.

When the day finally came and Xena Warrior Princess broke up with her boyfriend, Barney was happy beyond belief but Xena told Barney that it was too soon for her to get into another relationship yet and she needed some time.

Fair enough, Barney said okay and he waited.

Fast forward two years later to today.

Barney called me last night to tell me that he was almost in tears because he had waited so long for Xena only to find that Xena had just gotten herself a new boyfriend. When Barney asked why the new boyfriend wasn't him, Xena said

"I like you Barney... I think you're a great guy and any girl would be lucky to have you but I don't like you in that way".

Hearing the frustration in his voice, Barney asked me
"WHY!!??! WHY TIM WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?!??! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?!!?"

And my reply to him was this

"Barney, every decent looking woman has a close male friend and that male friend is probably or actually definitely interested in her which is why he's always at her every beck and call but she only sees him as a friend.

So to make sure that he's only a FRIEND, she always goes out to say

"You're a brilliant guy and you have everything that a girl can ever ask for, but I don't like you in that way".

Or let me put this in another perspective (something I've heard before from somewhere).

This is like you going for a job interview with a company.
After putting you through a 6-hour interview the company says

"You have a great CV Barney and you have all the qualifications that we're looking for in an employee. But we're not going to employ you. We will however use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants.

But we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified than you and probably a bum who doesn't work and has no future or even an alcoholic or drug addict. And if it doesn't work out with the alcoholic, we still won't hire you.We'll hire someone else. In fact, we'll never hire you, but we would like to call you every now and then to complain and whine to you about the guy we hired."

Then I carried on to say

"So Barney, you now have two options. You either tell the "company" to bugger off and that you're not interested in the job anymore."

Or you could wait for the "company" to "hire" you until you realize that it's never going to happen in which by then it's too late, and you'll die a virgin and the only sexual activity you'll have in your entire life is with your right hand.

Barney then cut me off before I could continue and said

"But I love her... and I don't care about anything else especially sex... I just want to be with her and if I have to wait longer I will". In which I then replied

"Well I guess many years later when you're finally done waiting and you're too old to find another girl, you could always marry your right hand..."

And he got fed up with me and said
"WTF WAS I THINKING ASKING BOSS STEWIE FOR LOVE ADVICE?!?! I KNEW YOU'D MAKE FUN OF IT!!!".

Hmph... my friends don't appreciate me...

PS: "Barney", if you're reading this... I'm sorry, I was just trying to cheer you up... you'll still invite me to your wedding won't you?

I promise I'll bring expensive wedding presents for you "wife"... like Gucci Leather Gloves or branded hand moisturizer from Japan.

Project Baby

As I mentioned in my previous post, last Saturday was my Baby's birthday.

We've been together for almost 3 years now so I'm sure you can imagine that I've long past the "I've bought everything for her before" stage.

That's right, in a year there are at least 6 times where the boyfriend is expected to give the girlfriend a present:

"Valentine's Day",
"Baby's Birthday",
"Christmas",
"Baby I'm Sorry Day",
"Baby I'm Sorry Again Day" and
"Baby I'll Never Do It Again Day"

Yes, the truth is... I have given her all kinds of things before.

I have given her clothes, watches, stuffed toys, a mobile phones and even jewellery from Swarovski or like the Tiffany & Co Necklace she wore for one of my earlier birthday parties before.
On my Birthdays however, my Baby often takes the effort to "hand-make" my presents.

For example, this year she surprised me with a square-shaped wrapped present like thisand I opened it only to find this on the inside.

A hand-made... something... You know... the kind of thing only my grandmother knows how to do.

So I realized that this Birthday, I had to make my Baby something with my own hands.

Of course, my friends who knew me from childhood have always known that I'm hopeless in art so they kept telling me

"Stewie, if you don't want your girlfriend to leave you, DON'T EVER DRAW ANYTHING for her..."

And I think they are right.

So I took some time to think... what is it that I could do that would require some effort on my behalf... but yet would NOT require me to show off my lousy art skills.

And in my sleep one night I had an idea!!!

My Baby and I have been together for so long and I've taken her to sooo many places in the past 3 years.

I've taken her many places from as near as Gentingto as far as Paris
and Rome


Yet, I don't know if she would have remembered every moment of it.

So I looked through my computer for over 2,000 photos that we've taken since the start of our friendship.

And I found the first picture we ever took together years ago, back when I was a little nerdy computer geek and she was an innocent girl.

I shopped around for a nice photo album and I put that first picture we ever took on the front page with the words

"This is where it all began..."accompanied with a small personal letter.

Then there were the rest of the pictures.

After manualling going through over 2,000 of them and selecting them out one by one I made a trip to the photo printers and got them to print a selected 117 photos.

The photo printers gave me all the unsorted pictures in a bunch.Then came the real manual labour.

First, came the sorting of all the pictures from the first picture we ever took chronologically to the most recent picture we've taken.

Some of the pictures had dates on them so it was quite easy to sort them, but some didn't so I found myself thinking hard and trying to figure out when each picture was taken.

So after some sorting

Came more sortingand even more sorting.
Hours later, I was sure I had everything in order and so the time came to put all 117 of them neatly into the photo album.

And after that, it was time for me to start writing the captions for each photo... that's right.. all 117 of them.And a few days later... IT WAS COMPLETED!
On her Birthday Eve, I proudly presented my achievement to my Baby waiting to be praised!

But she looked at it and said
"I thought you said you hand made the present? CHEHH!!! This is cheating WAN!!!"

My heart broke but I guess maybe deep inside she did like it... at least that's how I still get myself to sleep every night.

Baby's Weekend

I have been receiving tons of e-mails and comments saying
"HAHAHAHA BOSS STEWIE... Your new blog is JUST like your OLD ONE".

Which is not true... is not is not is not is not....

This blog is a boring PERSONAL blog just like it's meant to be.

And I shall prove it now... with this post.. muahahaha

I was down in KL last weekend for my Baby's birthday and a full weekend of celebration starting Friday.

On Friday night (which was the eve of her Birthday), we decided to keep things simple and just went for a simple dinner at San Francisco Steakhouse in KLCC where we took advantage of the cooling rainy day and sat outside on the balcony overlooking this view.Yes, that is a poor picture I managed to take of the view.

I spent 10 full minutes trying to readjust my camera settings over and over again but I just couldn't take a decent picture of the fountain at KLCC Park.

I'm such a terrible photographer, it's not even funny.

Anyway, after dinner I told my baby that I had to go somewhere to buy something and I told her to wait for me at Topman at KLCC.

I ran all the way to the other side of KLCC to buy myself a double scoop of Lecka Lecka and snuck behind a pillar with an advertisement on it to quickly finish my ice-cream.Unfortunately, my Baby knew what I was up to and caught me on camera (WITH MY OWN CAMERA AGAIN) eating quietly behind my pillar.

I spent the next 20 minutes listening to how fat I already am and why I shouldn't be eating Lecka Lecka. Anyway, after KLCC we went to meet some friends at a cafe called "Heaven" in The Curve. I found that a little odd at first since the word "Heaven" always reminds me of the famous gay club in London where I was once conned by a group of girl friends into going and spent my night getting my ass gropped.Of course, "Heaven" also does remind me of the place where good people go and angels play harps.

I was a little late and my friends (Boss Lepton) included decided to pick the luckiest number for our table.

That's right... to a Chinese, there is no luckier number than 44 (apart from 444 or 4444) right? We spent the night talking and laughing so hard it was actually painful at a certain stage.

If anyone can talk crap... it's this group of friends in KL. Of course, by now you're probably wondering...
"What kind of boring Birthday celebration was that?? Just sitting around having drinks..."

Well... the truth is that we were all preparing ourselves for the following night's REAL Birthday celebration at Red Box.

My Baby loves karaoke, so 8 of us good friends decided to go spend 1/4 of a day (6 hours) in Redbox.

And we did.Probably the most fun karaoke session I've had ever been for.Oh and lets not forget the even more important part, the BIRTHDAY CAKE which was probably one of the most expensive Birthday cakes I have ever bought in my life.

See when looking for a nice Birthday cake, the usual thing that comes to mind is
"Hey, lets go to Secret Recipe!".

But I decided that it was time to try something different. So we spent Saturday afternoon walking around 1-Utama until we found a good one at Bakerzine.

It was very pricery for a tiny cake, But it was worth every cent...

Boss Lepton was nice enough to pick up the tab for the second half of the karaoke session.

Maybe because the bill came up to RM444.44 and my Boss liked the number. Thank you Boss.

For some of you are probably wondering
"So what did Boss Stewie give his baby for her Birthday?"

Well.. that's for another post to cover.

Personal Blog HOOOOOooooO!!!