Friday, September 22, 2006

A Woman's Close Male Friend

Late last night a very depressed friend of mine called me up to vent all his feelings. Let me name this friend "Barney" (obviously not his real name).
Two years ago, Barney met the most beautiful girl he had ever seen in his life at a friend's birthday party. I shall name this girl "Xena Warrior Princess" (again obviously not her real name).When they met, she belonged to someone else but Xena and her boyfriend at that time were going through a rough patch and it was obvious to everyone that they were about to break up.

So Barney saw the opportunity to be the next in line and he took it, calling and smsing her every day.

When the day finally came and Xena Warrior Princess broke up with her boyfriend, Barney was happy beyond belief but Xena told Barney that it was too soon for her to get into another relationship yet and she needed some time.

Fair enough, Barney said okay and he waited.

Fast forward two years later to today.

Barney called me last night to tell me that he was almost in tears because he had waited so long for Xena only to find that Xena had just gotten herself a new boyfriend.
When Barney asked why the new boyfriend wasn't him, Xena said

"I like you Barney... I think you're a great guy and any girl would be lucky to have you but I don't like you in that way".

Hearing the frustration in his voice, Barney asked me

"WHY!!??! WHY TIM WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?!??! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?!!?"


And my reply to him was this

"Barney, every decent looking woman has a close male friend and that male friend is probably or actually definitely interested in her which is why he's always at her every beck and call but she only sees him as a friend.

So to make sure that he's only a FRIEND, she always goes out to say


"You're a brilliant guy and you have everything that a girl can ever ask for, but I don't like you in that way".


Or let me put this in another perspective (something I've heard before from somewhere).

This is like you going for a job interview with a company.

After putting you through a 6-hour interview the company says

"You have a great CV Barney and you have all the qualifications that we're looking for in an employee. But we're not going to employ you. We will however use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants.

But we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified than you and probably a bum who doesn't work and has no future or even an alcoholic or drug addict. And if it doesn't work out with the alcoholic, we still won't hire you.We'll hire someone else. In fact, we'll never hire you, but we would like to call you every now and then to complain and whine to you about the guy we hired."

Then I carried on to say

"So Barney, you now have two options. You either tell the "company" to bugger off and that you're not interested in the job anymore."

Or you could wait for the "company" to "hire" you until you realize that it's never going to happen in which by then it's too late, and you'll die a virgin and the only sexual activity you'll have in your entire life is with your right hand.


Barney then cut me off before I could continue and said

"But I love her... and I don't care about anything else especially sex... I just want to be with her and if I have to wait longer I will". In which I then replied

"Well I guess many years later when you're finally done waiting and you're too old to find another girl, you could always marry your right hand..."


And he got fed up with me and said

"WTF WAS I THINKING ASKING BOSS STEWIE FOR LOVE ADVICE?!?! I KNEW YOU'D MAKE FUN OF IT!!!".


Hmph... my friends don't appreciate me...


PS: "Barney", if you're reading this... I'm sorry, I was just trying to cheer you up... you'll still invite me to your wedding won't you?

I promise I'll bring expensive wedding presents for you "wife"... like Gucci Leather Gloves or branded hand moisturizer from Japan.

32 comments:

suicidalconversationjunkie said...

YAY i'm the 1st this time! woohoo!

well, 1st of all.. HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! i'm sorry barns i couldn't help it.

HOWEVER.. i can relate to barney because i've been (according to my friends) stupidly waiting for someone too. and i'm entering my 6th year waiting now.

i'll probably marry my left hand though.

HOOOOOoOOOOOooooOOOooOOo

Boss Stewie said...

aww it's ok suicidal... would u prefer glove or moisturizer ?

hehehe

Dr. Tan said...

Waiting... waiting. Trying to leave.

Anonymous said...

How would one use the glove? Hmm...

Wingz said...

wei u watch too much trio in a bed laaaa !!!

Boss Stewie said...

dr tan: trying to leavE?

anonymous: hahahaha are u being sarcastic?

wingz: what's trio in a bed?

-erintan- said...

HAHAHA!!! Oh my gee.. That's sooo mean... But soooo funny!!! Hahahahahaha!!

This will be a reminder to all your guy friends never to call you when they are upset.

Barney said...

go to hell lah you

Boss Stewie said...

erin: sniff.. stewie is mean

barneyy: hahahaha i know u're not barney.. the real barney just called me a while ago to scold me and at the same time how he thought the post was a lil' funny

smurfette said...

r u trying to say: to a girl, when a boy and a girl are real close, it doesnt necessary mean they're in a r'ship.
but to a guy: it alwayz has to be a r'ship?

Boss Stewie said...

smurfette: no no no.. it's different.. if the guy and girl is in a platonic relationship and are not attracted to each other in any way then it's fine.. but when the guy is crazy about the girl and the girl just wants to keep him as a friend.. then it's different

baby said...

hmmm...poor Barney:(
but dun worries,be optimistic!

suicidalconversationjunkie said...

er.. how about the real thing? ahahahahaahaha. but since the real thing is so elusive.. i'll settle for moisturiser then. what's the shiok/point in using a glove?

and btw is "baby" above me here really "baby" as in "boss' baby" "baby"??

Boss Stewie said...

baby: hello baby

suicidal: yes.. that is the real baby

Mz said...

i think Xena is just being mean to let Barney wait for 2 yrs without tellin him 1st dat she's not interested.
on the other hand, she's tryin to be nice by tellin Barney dat he's a really good guy etc, which by far only those who really know Barney would know.. keke

nobody should ever wait for another person like dat. seriously, it's not gonna be worth it. unless u can't find anyone else to like in the meantime.

Mz said...

oh, n it's really mean of u to tell Barney off like dat.. marryin his right hand.. -_-|||

Gwen said...

QFT!!!!!!!!

I need to pass this to every guy I know that keeps coming to me with this problem. *sigh*

prawn said...

Huhu,its looks like 'Barney' is caught up in 'Xena's'
FRIEND ZONE =P

Boss Stewie said...

mz: *sniff* yeah ok.. i was mean... but in my defence.. sometimes i think the worst help you can give people is pity.. sometimes u just have to be a little harsh so they'll wake up and stop wallowing in self pity

gwen: hahahahahaha yes yes... it's quite common isn't it

prawn: ohh yes... friend zone.. we all know what that means

Anonymous said...

It hurts but you can't force love. Good thing is, time will heal the most broken of hearts. Bad thing is, don't know how much time.

MaN|acZ said...

Well, for one..

Barney is stupid to have waited that long.

Two,

Xena is just mean.

Three,

It's a real good article to make Barney realised how insignificant that he is to Xena. Barney should tell the "company" to bugger off and attend more
"job interviews".

こうゆうけん said...

Walau....Tim!! I damn respect you!! You are so sincere and did so many things for your baby!!! But she replied that to you lolzzz... maybe she didn't know the efforts you had put in... :) Chill k.

Boss Lepton said...

Boss remember the little "ladder theory" we always believed in? heheehe

Boss Stewie said...

anonymous: yes yes.. we can't force love.. but i still don't think xena should've led barney on

man|acz: hahaha yes yes... i hope he listens to ur advice

koyuuken: ai cheh... dun lar say like that koyuuken.. i shy lor

boss: yes yes.. the ladder theory still applies!

Sharon said...

is it really true such guy as barney still exists today?
unbelievable!

well good luck to barney.. he deserves someone better

Boss Stewie said...

yes sharon.. it's true.. in fact many people like barney still exist

yenshiong said...

ah."Close Male Friend"

been there. quite a few times already. thx to my impatience, i didnt end up like barney, and Boss can save on the gloves and moisturizer for me.

Boss Stewie said...

yenshiong: hahaha okok yenshiong.. smart boy

bodicea said...

Heh. Nice advice. Read something of similar content last year. Don't remember where.

And as much as I agree to the Close Male Friend theory, I disagree to the part where you went:

"Barney, every decent looking woman has a close male friend and that male friend is probably or actually definitely interested in her which is why he's always at her every beck and call but she only sees him as a friend."

Dude, my best guy friend has a gf he dearly love. At least two of my close and platonic guy friends are not interested in me.

I think.

Sesshoumaru said...

Damn mean lah Boss Stewie.
Xena also pretty mean, esp if she knows Barney's intentions.
Barney also dumbo - never make 'da move' in 2 years.

These days, siapa cepat dia dapat. Time waits for no one; MOVE MOVE MOVE.

What is the ladder theory ar?

Boss Stewie said...

bodicea: okay.. u're right.. there just isn't a hard and fast rule for anything in life i guess

sesshoumaru: aduii i tell u the ladder theory next time

Fukitol said...

Yeah, I can understand Barney's feelings, I was also in the same position few years back...Believe me, the worst way to miss somebody...is to sit next to them knowing you can't be with them...