Friday, September 15, 2006

Memo To My Employees

My aunty recently sent me a forwarded e-mail which featured a memo from a company's HR to its employees.

I thought that the ideas in that e-mail were brilliant and I knew my little dotcom just had to incorporate these policies!

So I made some minor changes and sent it out to all my team members in my little dotcom.

Here is the version I sent out.


To all Employees:

Effective 1st October 2006

Dress Code

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are
doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.


3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a pay raise.


Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holiday Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year in which you won't ever have to do any company related work. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.


Compassionate Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.


Toilet Use

1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.

2. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company
notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the
company's mental health policy.


Lunch Break

1. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy.

2. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of
choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management


PS: Okay okay, the truth is... I really did send it to all my colleagues at work including my partner: Ming.

But I clearly stated to them that it was a joke... and that we're not bastards :P

20 comments:

earl-ku said...

haha, i got that too in the mail some time back, if it comes to my attention of any companies which practice any of the policies you mentioned, i will burn it down to the ground including the management inside ... hahaha

earl-ku said...

cely: me got the first comment ini hari ...

Boss: where is the gifts? Early Bird gifts ...

meekiee said...

i will hold u ransom if my management practise this bcuz they saw it on your blog.

haha

cely said...

ahhaha.. boss.. that was hilarious...


earl: sei yan tau... why u rebut with me?

Anonymous said...

ni zhi shi kui lin cin!!!!

J said...

O_O
You have joined the ranks of those evil boss/ manager types!

SBB said...

Eeeexcellent... nothing like a bit of discipline to rally the troops!

Lance said...

Now we can see where Boss Stewie gets his ideas of being an entrepreneur from. =P

Wingz said...

haha i hafta admit ... this is one good damn policy!

-erintan- said...

Aiya... you altered it a bit? I thought it was for real! It'll be so cool... See the company burn down to the ground in a matter of months. :)

Gwen said...

I think if that's the case, I'll drop by and give you my two-week's notice and become a cheap whore.

Boss Stewie said...

earl: i already say i poor lor earl.. how to give u gifts

meekie: nono .. but then ur management will give me a fee for helping them save cost and increase efficiency

cely: lol cely

anonymous: i wish i knew what u meant

j: no i haven't!!!! it was a jokeee

shiny: hah! u capitalist!!

lance: no larrrr lance... hehee my little dotcom's not anything like that


wingz: thanks wingz

erin : now now erin.. don't be evil!

teh gewnneh: lol gwenneh.. the company policies aren't THAT bad right?

Yuen said...

wei----how are u? love that books blog post, extremely funny. wonder if anyone has the guts to go up to a sales assistant and ask if there is a book entitled "jacking off for dummies". truth be told, wouldn't be too surprised if there is. they do cover all areas...

why isn't there a blogger's meet when i'm in kl?
shame.

aL said...

why isn't there a blogger's meet in penang too? hahahhaa!

suicidalconversationjunkie said...

AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA you slave driver! LOL

*you forget to cover the area about being late, btw*

Boss Stewie said...

yuen: yuen ai! haven't seen u in ages! i'm sure masturbation is not the only outrageous topic that 'dummies' cover :P

al: cuz there aren't enough of us in penang :P

suicidal: ohh yes... i'll get back to u on that :P

Anonymous said...

the prada man has not been sleeping for more than one week! look at his eyes, he looks very tired!

yenshiong said...

brilliant! just like the one on ur (21st?) birthday. oh, i still havent gotten the ferrari from my neighbour..boohoo

Eve said...

another brilliant letter..kakakak

Gwen said...

waliu why you always spell my name incorrectly?

Just use Gwen. *sigh*